Labels: UP

So this is how it feels to lose one of your heroes. His music has been a quiet friend to me for all these years. Audioslave and Soundgarden were cornerstones of my adolescent life - and eventually, much of my young adulthood. Even his solo albums were permanent residents of playlists on any of my gadgets. I can't count how many times his songs have given me comfort, even in times when I thought I didn't really need it.

I never knew you, I never saw you live, but I feel so devastated. Ang sakit-sakit naman, Chris Cornell. Rest easy.

“We depend on our surroundings obliquely to embody the moods and ideas we respect and then to remind us of them. We look to our buildings to hold us, like a kind of psychological mould, to a helpful vision of ourselves. We arrange around us material forms which communicate to us what we need — but are at constant risk of forgetting what we need — within. We turn to wallpaper, benches, paintings and streets to staunch the disappearance of our true selves.”

– The Architecture of Happiness, Alain de Botton

Why do we feel like we belong in some places and not in others? It's interesting to me how the idea of a physical space can have so much impact on our identities - no matter that it's our first time there, or our thousandth. It's also interesting how our relationship with a place evolves: like how a place we dislike will later on become monuments of a certain part of our lives that we will eventually look back on nostalgically.

I think my favorite part of going on a trip is getting this feeling of "I belong," on the most random of places. I can honestly say that I don't see myself permanently residing abroad ever - but I'm going to lie if I say that there aren't parts of other countries where I can imagine myself being a part of its picture. There are places that resonated with certain parts of me, echoes that only the inner, most secret versions of myself could hear. And it was oddly comforting event though physically - all senses considered - they are alien.

Consider this carousel: before my trip, I only saw it once, on a video montage featuring a particular love team. But my feelings for said pairing notwithstanding - I instantly felt so much joy and excitement. Like I've never seen a carousel before - even though I have, a hundred times. I don't even like riding carousels. Something about it just spoke to me - maybe the colors? The innocence of children's laughter? The chilly, snuggle-appropriate weather? Whatever it was, it spoke to a part of me that longed for carefree, happy Saturday afternoons.

What does that say about me? A lot, but also, maybe, not much.

"Place makes memories cohere in complex ways," writes architectural historian Dolores Hayden. And I think that's true. How else can we have a memory of something if it doesn't have a setting? A backdrop?

I don't have a steady grasp of my "true self" lately. I'm not sure how much of my likes and dislikes right now are permanently part of "Karla, the person." But I'd like to think that this year is going to be all about reconciling these impulses to the identity. I'm in for a long period of introspection inside my room - aside from all the studying, of course. Personalities change, just as much as surroundings do. But the self can change too even when the place does not. Here's to hoping I like whatever version of me that comes out from this cocoon of a year.

I went to UP yesterday to fix my clearance; and on my way to the OUR I just had to pass by this place again. It's been more than a year since the fire, and it still stings. I was there that night. My friends and I went to accompany another friend, a professor at the History department who thought he could still salvage his things.

As I stood in the same spot I did a year ago, I was again reminded of everything that was lost in the flames - records, undergrad theses, thousands of books, costumes, scripts, poems, novels, works of art, memories. Stories. Corners and corridors that witnessed our every failure and joy. Sometimes, I still wonder, how can its end be so cruel? To have left absolutely nothing behind but ashes?

I stood in front of it yesterday with a heavy heart - heavier than my usual sentiments of missing CAL as I crawled my way through law school. Turns out, today the building is being demolished. FC was home, perhaps even more so than Malcolm ever was. And to lose it so permanently just as my stay in UP was ending - it felt like salt on my battle wounds.

But if there's anything I learned as a student of this college, it's that there is beauty to be found in starting over. Stories end, time passes. Life comes and goes, often taking away parts of us we can never get back. The most we can hope for is that this sadness will eventually carry us through. To new narratives, new perspectives, new meanings. For now, we grieve. Tomorrow - as with all tomorrows - we will pick up our pens and write again.


__

Labels: CAL, UP

I came back from the US about a week ago but have just recently re-adjusted my body to the nights and days on this part of the world. I was gone for twenty-one days, on a time zone sixteen hours away. And I have nothing to complain about - I had a fantastic time, I visited places I've only dreamt of seeing and I wish I could write about all of it.

Labels: travel, US

It has been said that there is great peril in meeting someone you've admired for so long - often they do not live up to your expectations. They turn out to be less of the magnificent person you've conjured in your head, and more of a flawed, distorted, imperfect version. Which can either be a good or bad thing. Good, because at least you know they're human just like you. Bad, because wtf they're human just like you.

I tried coming into this interview with zero expectations - "tried" being the operative word here, because much as I wanted to be all professional (after all, I don't work for Scout; this is my first time to interview a celebrity; and first time to do a cover story) I was also very aware that the reason I was chosen to do the task was because I was, first and foremost, a fan.




"Fan" - it's such a funny word. It's either a badge you wear with honor or a label you detest. Either way, for most people, "fan" is associated with "irrational," "lovesick," or "obsessive." I sure as hell believed I was none of those adjectives, but I swear the moment I stepped into that shoot I became all of it. I couldn't decide how to sit, where to put my cellphone, how to look at her. It felt like staring at the sun, only instead of UV rays I got a simple girl putting her own makeup, preparing her own salad. But radiance and warmth just the same.

It has also been said that there is great danger in meeting and writing about someone you've admired for so long - often, you cannot encapsulate who they are. I've been asked a hundred times since the cover feature has been revealed: "How was she?" "What was she like?"




The funny thing is I've already written my article, and thought I've said what I can say about her. And yet, almost a month later, here I am, still finding excuses to write about her, still looking for ways to sneak her into the conversation, still wanting to talk to and about her. Because the thing is, she was nothing like my expectations. She was so much more. Which is something that a "lovesick / obsessed" fan will say about her. But it's true - she was great, and yes, I am a lovesick / obsessed fan. She was casual, and honest, and candid. She was willing to talk openly about her love life and her ambitions. She gamely played with the photographer's and layout team's ideas. She made jokes; she told stories (some about herself, some about James, one about another fandom - hahaha #secret).

But more than that, she seemed like a great friend. And isn't that what we all want? To be friends with the people we admire? The way she answered her questions, man I swear I felt like we could be BFFs if we just had more time. Don't get me wrong - I'm under no illusions that if I message her randomly she'll remember me and we'll get to hang out. But, she really seemed like the kind of person I - and consequently, everyone - could connect with. No pretenses.

Which is the most we can hope for when we meet our idols, I guess. That we are given a glimpse of who they are behind the persona. At the end of the day, she is still after all human. But more than just a girl, she is a person with stories. A person with dreams, with plans, with questions. With things that bother her, things that make her heart leap for joy.  

If there's one thing I've learned from reading all these cases and jurisprudence in law school, it's this: Never forget that these people are real. The names you read about in SCRA? People. The faces you imagine as you memorize doctrines? People. And in the same way, the artistas whose photos we like on IG and whose teleseryes we follow religiously? People. And if there's also one thing I've learned from my degree in college, it's this: It's important to get to humanize the people you write about. They are not two-dimensional characters with quotes. It's all pretty much the same. And the most important thing to remember always is that when you meet someone, as a fan, as a writer, as a lawyer, it's important to find these stories, so that we can paint a better picture of them, something we can hold on to with great pride and respect. It doesn't matter if you come in there as a fan or as a mere observer - just as long as you find it and you do it well. And when we get to find that common ground with anyone - celebrity, stranger, whoever - it makes for the best kinds of stories. Plural.





So I guess that entire experience can't really be summed up with one article. Or one caption. It was just an hour of the interview, but I felt like we talked for hours. Which you can chalk up to my being a lovesick / obsessed fangirl. Or you can blame it on Nadine being able to put her walls down and reveal parts of herself to people who are eager to listen. Either way, it makes for a great fan encounter - and a great story to write about again and again.




P.S. If you want to read the cover story I wrote featuring Nadine, grab a copy of this month's January-February issue of Scout! It's available online here or at select campuses, and National Bookstore & Powerbooks branches :)






(Credits: All photos from the issue itself are from Scout magazine. The BTS shot as well as my photo with her are from my camera. The photo of James and Nadine was grabbed from her Instagram account. The photo of me and my boyfriend was grabbed from his phone wallpaper #hehe)

For someone who just finished law school, I've been watching Scrubs A LOT these days. Funnily enough, I have no interest in obsessing over any legal shows to "reignite my passions" or "get the ball rolling" right before bar review. Or at any time in the last four and a half years, actually. Sure, on occasion, I'd pop in my DVD of Ally McBeal the few weeks before finals and marathon while powering through the last bunch of cases for the semester, or sometimes when I'm at home I'd catch whatever episode of Suits is on Jack TV out of curiosity's sake. But I'm not as invested in those shows as I am with this medical comedy - something completely opposite of what I'm doing, but also, oddly familiar.

I think the thing that has gotten me hooked again on it this time - after the nth rewatch - is how my perspective has altered the way I'm seeing the show. The series starts with the lead characters beginning their first year of internship as medical doctors. They have just graduated medical school, they now have this newfound sense of authority, but also this staggering responsibility. Before stepping into the halls of Sacred Heart Hospitals, they were merely students, with adequate working knowledge of medicine. As the series (and their internship) continues, they come face to face with the hard realities of actually being a doctor: making tough calls and living with those decisions.

If you think about it, it's not that different from the realities of a new lawyer. (Or in my case, a fresh-out-of-law-school no-longer-a-student... uhm, person). It is overwhelming. And it can be crippling to be in a position where all decisions made are crucial because lives are suddenly on the line, every single time. People are no longer just names on a case, they are actual persons in real trouble seeking for your help.

But mostly, I think I just long for the humanity of it all. Scrubs gives me that. Doctors are expected to save the day, much like lawyers. But unlike the latter, the world views doctors as kind and compassionate people. They heal. Even if their arrival often signals sickness or death, it also presages a kind of hope. They aren't walking creatures of doom - or worse, greed. You know that deep down, they are people who care. Empathy is the biggest tool in their disposal.

Which is so unlike the field of lawyering. Most lawyers are aggressive, abrasive, and arrogant. Sadly, those are qualities that make for some of the greatest lawyers too.





Perhaps being in a cut-throat environment like law school made me forget what it's like to be in a place that is more compassionate than competitive. And I think the reason I've been so invested in Scrubs lately is because I needed to remember why I'm in this field in the first place - that I too want to make a difference. I want to be part of solutions, I want to get people out of a rut, I want to give someone their victory - but without being a dick about it. I can help, and also be kind and compassionate about it.

In the next few months, I'm about to begin my bar review. And I've been told repeatedly by friends that it's the biggest, most difficult challenge any law graduate would have to face. I think I've been preparing myself mentally since my classmates took the bar last November. But my heart needed the reminder that I'm doing this for the right reasons. I'm not here to prove that I'm the best or the smartest or the greatest. I just want to retain a piece of this cheery, outgoing self and still be good at what I dream to do. And that even though I'm the way I am, it doesn't mean I will suck at being a lawyer. It just means I'm going to be different. Hopefully, that's a good thing.

Much has already been said about the year 2016.  It had high highs, it had low lows. It signaled the beginning of things, it ushered in many endings.

Labels: required reading

For our Christmas dinner this year, Louie and I decided to try something a little different. A few weeks ago, in one of his weekly meetings in Rockwell, he made a reservation in Barcino at Power Plant. We figured it would be a great way of celebrating my last semester in law school, his career progression, and also the year that was, which is definitely - for lack of a better term - one for the books.

Oddly, despite it being just a few days away from Christmas, I haven't been 100% into the Christmas cheer. I suppose it's just because the last few weeks have been about studying for finals (my final finals, so the pressure was on), that I didn't have time to really embrace the whole holiday spirit right away. But when we got inside the mall and I saw all the lights and decorations, my eyes lit up like a 7-year-old on Christmas morning! It was beautiful. Each beam was adorned with green garlands and red ribbons, and the hallways were lined with potted poinsettias. (Alliteration is awesome!) It was quite a sight; what a way to trigger all my Christmas-y emotions!








When we finally decided to have dinner, I was surprised to find out that there was only one booth - the wine cellar. All the bottles adorned the shelves, and we had the small room all to ourselves. Lovely wouldn't even begin to describe it. It was nice because we felt really ~VIP~ and special.




Louie ordered Spanish wine to pair with our cheese and chorizo platter. Admittedly, I'm not much of a wine gal (beer or Long Island iced tea is more like it, LOL) so just having something new to try was exciting. In addition, we also had seafood paella, because I was craving it. A few years ago, we used to have paella at my Wowa's house in Batangas for Christmas. Recently, however, we've just opted to check in a hotel to celebrate, since my aunt's passing and my Wowa's accident. The staycation is less of a hassle for everyone, and it's great because we get to eat out. But of course I still miss Wowa's paella, so this was a great way of being reminded of the good ol' holidays :)

The cheese was good, but to no one's surprise, I still didn't like blue cheese. #uncultured :)) It reminded me of an awkward moment of mine when we had a trip to Amish Country in Ohio a few years back. The elderly in the community were showing us their products, and being the polite (and naive) girl that I was, I tried out their samples. Wrong move to go for the "cookies-and-cream-looking" cheese! I couldn't hide the disgust on my face! And while I uttered my revulsion in straight Tagalog ("Ang panget ng lasaaaa!!"), I'm pretty sure they could tell I was not pleased. I still carry the Amish grandma's disappointed face with me every single day of my life :))

...sorry, I digress!

Anyway, I am not ashamed to say that Louie and I almost finished everything. I wish I had a better word for delicious, because it all tasted so, so good. That, or we were just tired and hungry because traffic along EDSA is terrible! And justthat in general 2016 was such a mess, so we felt like we deserved to wolf down a meal to reward ourselves for surviving it! :))

But no, really, the food and wine was fantastic.






Jologs Girl fun fact: This VIP room was the exact spot where James and Nadine officially became a couple! Hahahaha! :)) More than all the fancy stuff, this little trivia was what took the cake! :)) Thank goodness for Louie who understands my #fangirl heart. :))




I guess that's it for our 4th Christmas dinner together. It was quite a year for all of us but at the end of the day, there are still many, many things to be thankful for. It's good to be reminded of that every once in a while :)

Happy holidays! ♥

Last week, I had my last classes and took my final exams in the College of Law. For the most part, I expected to be more emotional, more bittersweet about it. But as the days went on I just felt more relieved than anything else. This was the moment that I've long been dreaming of, the part where I can look at Malcolm Hall and say, "Wow, what a ride." But that day, when I took my last exam ever as a student, I gazed at our building and just uttered, "Hay, I just want to eat." :))

It's true, you can't predict your feelings, not even when you've imagined them all in your head for the last four and a half years. Which is funny, because being the emotional person that I am, one of my best friends was teasing me - "For sure, iiyak ka after Civ!" And I was so ready to cry that day. But I didn't. Instead, I let out a hearty laugh and craved for Burger King.

Which isn't to say that I don't feel sentimental at all. Of course I do. UP has been home for the last eight years. I've spent a huge fraction of my life here. I first stepped foot in the campus when I was a young, naive, idealistic 16-year-old. And now I'm a... uhh... 25. :)) I grew up here, and of course it's difficult to leave for good. But at the same time, eight years was such a long time of being confined inside the bubble. It was tiring. Most of my time was spent with books, with ideas. Now I'm just glad to finally have succeeded.

I reckon the heavy waterworks will be coming when I actually graduate, i.e., ceremony, sablay, UP Naming Mahal, the whole enchilada. But for now, I'm just really excited to have reached the finish line. Finally! I got into law school hoping and praying that I will get out of it in one piece. I did! I really effin' did! Who would have thought?! Now give me those burgers! :))






Later that week, I also attended the Lantern Parade, my first time since 2013. As per tradition, I was with two of my college best friends, Ria and Adrian. When we were in undergrad, our big group would sit on the steps of Melchor Hall and spend half a day there, watching as the festivities unfold. A lot of things have changed since then, most notable of which - aside from all of us graduating, of course - was the change in the academic calendar. Before, the last week of December meant Engineering Week, and the night of the Lantern Parade meant Miss Eng'g. Good times.




It's pretty much obvious by now what a special place I have in my heart for Eng'g. That's where I found my bestest, closest friends, my funniest escapades, and my greatest crush - who also became my greatest love. #yihee But the truth is, I really feel such a strong affinity with the college even though I never took classes there. So I just felt like it was proper to spend my last Lantern Parade as a student in the same place where I made so many memories.

Since the Parade is scheduled at the last day of the academic semester, it meant less people. It was at the tail-end of finals week, so I suppose most people were either still studying for exams or were already done and have gone back to their provinces. But while the crowd wasn't as big, the lanterns still lived up to my expectations. I was super pleased that most of them not only embodied a Christmas theme, but also carried with them a strong sentiment against the current political climate. I was especially proud of College of Law's lantern, of course, since it featured Lady Justice with the words "Marcos Not A Hero." We really are in trying times, and it's good to know that even in the middle of such revelry, there is still room to acknowledge the struggle that lies outside.

It's things like this that I'll really miss about UP.




But of course, there's still one place that I will always consider home.

Shortly after the Lantern Parade, my friends and I went to AS to fetch our other kabarkada Jio, who is now a history professor. (Coincidentally, he's also the boyfriend of my law school blockmate and sis, Therese). After the fire that destroyed the Faculty Center, they were relocated to what was formerly the Chem Pavilion. It was newly renovated after it was also razed in flames a couple of years before. The entire first floor corridor of the pavilion felt eerily familiar - and then I remembered, it was where I took my UPCAT in 2007!

And now, that very same corridor houses the offices and departments of my college, the College of Arts and Letters. This was what made me feel really nostalgic. It still breaks my heart thinking about all that was lost in that April fire - more than just the memories, but all the books! Pieces of literature that were parts of history. Gone.




But, as they say, art is never really destroyed. Much like energy, it just transforms, and finds other ways to be re-created. I walked the corridors where CAL is now located, and I found small comfort in knowing that they have now planted new seeds there. Time for new art to flourish, and new stories to be told. :)




My last few nights in QC I spent with friends--

After Lantern Parade I met up with the rest of my college barkada at a friend's house. It wasn't even a third of the entire group, but that's still a feat considering our number (30??), our busy schedules, and our zip codes. It's a different kind of fun when I'm with them because I can be my most natural, no pretenses, and still be completely at home. We always just pick up where we left off, and never run out of things to talk laugh about. We had pizza and beer; Ria also brought some home-cooked pesto rolls (or what our friend Enzo dubbed as "lumpiang pesto" haha!). It's the simple things that I love most when it comes to these guys. No charades, and eight years later, we're still quite the same people. Which is the kind of constancy we need in these crazy times, really.




Then the day after was my food trip / tita date with my blockmate sisses. The five of us are the only Portians in our block, with two of them having taken the bar last November, two of us graduating this semester, and one who transferred in another law school. So it really is a rarity to have all of us in one place! And what a riot. I've never eaten that much food in a span of 12 hours! We decided to try and venture out into the Kapitolyo area since we never go there. For lunch, we wanted to be adventurous and ate at Locavore. (Everything we ordered was sooo goood!). Then we walked around East Kapitolyo, stopped by some craft stores, and ended up having cakes at Epic Cafe. Then we waited for the Sky High Bar to open to cap off our night with some drinks. Talking about exams, firm interviews, and clients never seemed so fancy :))











In hindsight, it was a great weekend for ~closure~. I don't think it has really sunk in yet that I'll be leaving Quezon City, and be crawling back to my domicile in Paranaque for good. But more than feeling wistful, I'm actually more thrilled. Eight years in a place like UP was more than what most people can ask for in their lifetime. But now it's time to settle back into our home and make myself comfortable with the idea that I'm finally a permanent resident of our house again. A lot of adjustments to be expected, yes, especially given the grueling months ahead for bar review. But I think I made the right decision to surround myself with the best people in my life instead, and that's my family, who's been my support system since Day 1.

TL;DR: I miss my mom and pop so much, so it's definitely great to be back! I'm going to miss you QC, but Paranaque's still the shizz ;)

Ever
       Team Sleep
     

you make that dance look so new
and I'm on a face like you've never seen

Today is a good day to remind ourselves that as long as there is darkness, the search for the light must continue. To fight the good fight, and to keep it aflame - that is the goal. This is why we are here: to remind the world that there is goodness, there is justice, there is love. One day our generation will have our turn, and the hope is that we will do right by what our true heroes have fought for. This anger, this disappointment, it should keep us rising every single day until there is no more fear or hurt, only acceptance, and retribution, and healing.

But until then, we can cry.

#MarcosIsNOTaHero
#NeverTrump

Perhaps, if we were to believe in science and fiction, there are indeed other universes. And that, along with the belief of these other universes, there are infinite possibilities. And that, within these possibilities, there is one where we met and where we didn't. Perhaps, in another universe, where we weren't supposed to meet the way we did, our lines barely intersecting, oblivious of the great love that did not even remotely cross paths, we could have lived happily just the same. Perhaps.

But then, there would also be a universe wherein we met, but only tangentially so, and not bringing us to the road that led us to this. Maybe, in another timeline, we would have met in class, we would have laughed at the same jokes and shared the same umbrella one rainy afternoon. Maybe we would have had the chance to talk about music, and we would've known that we both liked The Cure, that I adored Deftones, that you loved Led Zeppelin. Then we would've gone our separate ways just the same, and that would have been that. Or maybe, in yet another dimension, for some reason or another - a butterfly landing on a different leaf, or the wind blowing south instead of east - we did not meet the people whose hearts we will break. Regardless, we would have been different people. And when the cosmos finally decided it's time for us to meet again, it would not have worked, for I have not been bruised, and you, not jaded.

And the thing is, the thought of that universe existing casts a sudden, hollow pain inside my chest, so much more than the thought of one where we never met. For it means we were so close, but not even quite at the point of an almost - that we caught the light but only a flicker, that we circled around the sun but we were facing the moon.

If I can posit one consistent fact across all universes, though, it's that everyone will somehow be touched by some kind of music that reaches deep into our souls. Who wouldn't be? I can feel it in my bones that the stardust they say we are all made of, this stardust kneels down to song. It recognizes music as a higher, supreme being. And I am quite sure, by the way the nerves down my spine tingle to the opening riffs of some truly outstanding ballads, that there is no variant of me existing elsewhere that has not at all found my way to great music, those whose lyrics resound, and whose melodies affirm.

I say this because at this very moment, as I listen to the Beatles' Revolver, all I can think of is how beautiful it is to stumble upon songs that can transcend time and space, sound and light, fiction and non-fiction, infinities upon infinities; but then also, I think to myself, what a travesty it is, how cruel, how tragic for me to have stumbled upon Here, There, and Everywhere in the same timeline where I met you only briefly, barely; to sing its every word by heart, and not have a love like ours punctuate the chorus.

"The thing I love about the Peppers is that the music is so happy but at the same time it’s hardcore — it’s hardcore happiness. 'Cause you know, they sing about a happy that you have to be sad to get there. So when Anthony sings about ‘taking it on the other side,’ you know that motherf*cker was on the other side. When they sing ‘Scar Tissue,’ you know they got scars." 

— Chris Rock, inducting the RHCP into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame

When the darkness within you isn't leading you to the light, at least be thankful that it's led you to good music. Good, heavy rock music. It heals.

For the last fourteen days, it's been the Red Hot Chili Peppers. The whole damn discography, from Freaky Styley to the golden-era of John Frusciante to the most recent The Getaway. And shit, I think it just might have changed my life. I am not kidding.

I've known them for a good fraction of my post-adolescence - always hearing them on the radio, or on the bus, or in someone's car - but they never really spoke to me until now. Holy Mercury in retrogade, I am grateful. Truly effin' grateful.


P.S. After all these years, "Dani California" is still my favorite. "Scar Tissue" and "The Zephyr Song" are now tied in second. "Under the Bridge" comes a close third. But man the guitar riffs in "BSSM" deserve a spot too. 

1.
The first time I heard this song in a TV show, a teenager who suffered a heart attack is being resuscitated, a man who murdered his brother is in prison for killing someone else, a fetus' heartbeat is heard for the first time after its pregnant high school mother wakes up from a coma, a heartbroken ex-girlfriend comes to terms with her great love and best friend being together.

Such incredible recovery from dire circumstances. I was fifteen years old, bawling my eyes out, completely alien to losses of this magnitude, but nonetheless affected by it. That episode hit me hard, but for reasons that don't really go beyond the show. Like a dutiful fan, I took that song with me - I found a copy on Limewire, put it on my iPod, and had it filed under my 'One Tree Hill mix.' And life went on as usual.

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Labels: finger exercises

In celebration of my iPod Classic's 10th birthday, I share with you a song I first heard in 2006. Ten years later and it still gets me going. Like an anthem that pushes me to work even in the middle of the night, like a comrade that pulls me out of bed in the morning.


man, she saves me
'til this day I don't know why
she picked me up
when I was down on the road
with the wind when it blowed

Tomorrow, school officially starts again. And for obvious reasons, I've been feeling sentimental these last couple of days. I spent the better part of last week holed up in my grandparents' house in Batangas, poring over old photo albums and yearbooks, reading old books, and binge-watching former favorite TV shows. That, of course, includes a marathon of One Tree Hill.

I always kid myself that One Tree Hill is my "the one that got away." The show I wish I didn't have to let go of. It was such a monumental part of my adolescent life (I mean, have you seen this blog's archives?! And wait 'til you see my iPod playlists!) and I'd like to think a good portion of who I am now is pretty much an effect of a lot that I took away from that show. Before it became all-out soap-y and campy in its latter seasons (which I no longer watched), OTH was a laid-back show that had quite a bit of petty drama, but always with high stakes. And for a 15-year-old with raging hormones, it didn't matter that they were just fighting about boys and basketball; the drama meant something to me. (The music too.) It all meant a lot, even though in the grander scheme of things, it actually meant so little.




I guess a part of me wanted to binge-watch OTH again because I wanted to remember what it felt like to watch that show as a young teenager with nary a sense of what the world was like. Sure, at the height of the show's popularity (and my addiction to it), I thought I could relate to the characters' drama - graduation and senioritis, worrying about what college to go to, dreading the thought of missing your friends. Falling in love.

But watching parts of Season 3 and 4 again over the last few days made me realize how — despite my repeated viewings of each episode back in high school — I never really got it. Or rather, I got it much differently than I should have. It's only now that I'm seeing so much more of what each character was going through. And it's only at this time in my life, when I'm almost eight years removed from high school, that I'm realizing how much wisdom there is to be found in that show.

I'm particularly fond of one episode in Season 3, "Everyday is a Sunday Evening." I remember having a copy of it burned on a DVD and playing it every chance I get on whatever player there is in our house or in my grandparent's house. I was super obsessed with it because it was an episode that had Nathan as the central character (as opposed to the lead, Lucas), evidenced by his voice-over from the beginning and the end. Obviously, anything #NathanScott and #Naley will always top my book, but this one was just really special. Its central conflict was about his determination to bring the Tree Hill Ravens to the State Championship. But there were so many other elements of that episode that I feel pretty much encapsulated why it held so true — and even more so, actually, at present. I watched it again and felt the same kind of affection for it, but also a new-found sense of awe that it still had layers I could only have understood now, at 24, when I'm about to leave law school and start my life for real.

THIS. Basically sums up my feelings right now.

I'm still not in the same position as the characters in the show. I still don't know much about basketball; I'm not about to carry my entire team on my shoulders for a championship; I'm not a married high school senior; I don't have effed up parents who are rarely at home nor do I have psycho stalkers.

But I have been through something incredibly life-changing in the last few months and years. I've experienced heartbreak, I've dealt with grief. I've lost something I never thought I'd ever have; I've re-gained something I never thought I can be without.

What I do share with the characters right now is that feeling of overwhelming exhilaration to the point of dread. I am suddenly so keenly aware of how much I am at the tip of the roller coaster, the edge of the precipice. I'm so close to the top, but also so near to the big drop.

There's this line in this particular episode, where Peyton says:

"You know that feeling you get on a Sunday where you just have the whole day to yourself, and it's been great, and then you remember you have to go to school the next day, so it ruins the rest of the night? I have to go home tomorrow, and so I've got that feeling. It's like Sunday night."

It's exactly how I'm feeling right now. Literally, because it's a Sunday, and figuratively, because this entire semester is like the metaphorical Sunday of the rest of my life. Law school is the easy part, actually. Monday means the future, everything that lies ahead. Do I feel afraid? Do I feel excited? How do I label both?

OTH doesn't give me the answers — as does life, no matter how much I ask myself this — but there is comfort in knowing that there probably isn't one at the moment, and that I am not alone in feeling confused. It's okay to feel both thrilled and worried at the same time. It's normal to be anxious at what lies ahead but still look forward to it, even though you have no control of your future. Just the thought of what lies ahead is scary, but also thrilling. Oddly enough, it's precisely this ambivalence that I find relief in. That there are others who probably feel the same way, it makes me feel more normal, less lonely.

Less adrift, less lost.

And sometimes that's all we need. Even if it's comfort from a TV show. As long as it keeps you going, right?

God, I love this show.

It was such an honor to have worked under the guidance of this brilliant, inspiring, and dedicated public servant. Thank you for opening our eyes to the importance of judicial reform and service, Chief. In a country full of uncertainties, you remain a guiding light, a driving force. :)

Labels: law

The Angeles City Hall of Justice, one of the pilot eCourts for the Justice Zone Project of the Supreme Court. This HOJ is fully automated, from filing, raffle, docketing, hearing, to issuance of orders. It also has complete facilities for all judges, clerks of court, prosecutors, PAO, PPA, and other offices involved in the administration of justice. Aside from that it houses the back-up data center of all existing eCourt data in the region so far. Right now, each branch here only has around 200-300 cases (down from an estimate of 1,300 before the automation) and has improved significantly in terms of efficiency in the adjudication of cases.

Hopefully, by 2019, the other courts in the project will be fully renovated and automated as well, including NCR, Region IV-A and Region VII.

Yay, progress! :) #JudicialReform #JusticeZone


_

Labels: law

"What is your daily skincare and makeup routine?"

"So does the BB cream already serve as your moisturizer? Or do you still tone and moisturize before? I'm so overwhemled by all the products I read online and I just want a simple, hassle-free routine for everyday where I don't have to put on too much and feel cakey all throughout haha. I just saw that you post some makeup related stuff every now and then and thought it wouldn't hurt to ask hahaha sorry for bothering you with these MU questions!"

SKINCARE






MAKE-UP

Labels: beauty

A few months ago, I was accepted as one of the interns for the Judicial Administration and Reform Internship Program under the Office of the Chief Justice in the Supreme Court. There are seven of us in the program, with six of us coming from UP and one from San Beda. We work directly under the Chief Justice, and are tasked primarily with judicial & legal reform through policy-making and general management on court administration.

We started just last Monday, but already we feel like we've been working here for a month, considering the amount of tasks we've accomplished and the deliverables we have to submit. We have so much on our plate! But that's not necessarily a bad thing: it just means that there is work being done. There are a lot of programs, policies, and other plans currently in motion - meaning there are definitely improvements being made in the Supreme Court, and effectively, in the Judiciary.

For instance, just last Thursday, June 9, we went to the Justice Sector Coordinating Council's Principals' Meeting, held at the Manila Pavilion Hotel. It was attended by various government agencies in the justice sector, headed by the three principals, the Supreme Court, the Department of Justice (DOJ) and the Department of Interior and Local Government (DILG). All the offices under these three principals were present and represented too, including delegates from the Judiciary (such as judges from trial courts), the police force (PNP), the BJMP and BuCor, and the prosecutors. The JSCC was organized to serve as a joint forum for dialogue on issues and initiatives among justice sector institutions.




Our primary task for that day was to work as the secretariat, preparing the presentations and the resolutions that will be reported by key figures before the JSCC principals and members. We had to keep track of a lot of events, update ourselves with the status of ongoing projects, and familiarize ourselves with different people, to keep the program afloat. You could say we were like baby animals thrown into the wild and had to fend for ourselves right away. But it was a great experience. For one, the entire thing made the Supreme Court and the Judiciary three-dimensional for me. Whereas in school, it was merely a body that writes decisions and decides on jurisprudence, now, it has become this living, breathing organism that functions thanks to the continuous work of many smaller parts. The SC is not just a branch of government - it is an office. It has responsibilities, both administrative and judicial in nature. It is the foundation on which the framework of the entire justice system works.




Our calendars are packed until the end of July. Some of us are going to Baguio for a small claims seminar; others have already attended ASEAN and DFA meetings or jail decongestion projects. I myself am tasked to go to Palawan this week in preparation for an ASEAN Chief Justice meeting. We are also set to attend an MBA lecture, and to organize a compendium of justice zones. It's a lot to have on one's plate, but it's exciting. Much of our job is not just doing research on jurisprudence but also conducting studies and collating data on the field. What I like so far about the program is that we are thrust right into the middle of all the action. There is no room for spoon-feeding, no time for baby steps. We have to learn the ropes right away, because these projects and reforms are not going to slow down for us. There are so many things happening; it can be pretty overwhelming, considering we've only been working officially for six days (as of this writing). But it's also satisfying when you finally realize how much you can contribute to the improvement of the sector.




I think my biggest takeaway from all this, so far, is that I'm happy to have found something I would love to do as a lawyer one day. I've always had this nagging feeling inside me that I cannot envision a lifetime of litigation - I don't see myself being satisfied by going down the traditional path of lawyering. That may be the case for almost all of my peers, but I think it is not for me. I also cannot see myself ever running for public office and becoming a politician, which is also something some of my batchmates are sure to pursue. For the most part of law school, my difficulties have stemmed from the fact that I am a very non-adversarial person. I don't like disputes; I want solutions rather than conflict. I'm a team player; I don't like arguing and winning for the sake of arguing and winning. Which isn't exactly the most ideal of traits when one wants to pursue litigation (or public office). I've had these feelings affirmed after our internship in OLA as well. Much as I enjoyed helping out our clients, I felt like it was too limiting and too constrained for me. It was also too stifling, having the lives of a particular few in my hands. The intention to help was there, but my heart was not in it.

Hence, my inclination to now work for the government. Last semester, my internship at the OGCC proved to be a good experience. And now this. I realized I can function more knowing that I am getting something done to help fix the system. There are always things being done, and problems slowly being solved. I want to be part of that solution.

Don't get me wrong, I am not closing my doors on any opportunities that may come my way in the days and months and years to come. Lawyering, after all, is a profession that seeps in almost all industries and all sectors. Who knows, I may still change my mind before or after graduation (or the Bar). But as it is, I am liking what I see, and I am enjoying this kind of work. There is so much to do, but also so much to learn, and so much to contribute.

Para sa bayan. :))

Labels: law, summer

Labels: UP

So this is how it feels to lose one of your heroes. His music has been a quiet friend to me for all these years. Audioslave and Soundgarden were cornerstones of my adolescent life - and eventually, much of my young adulthood. Even his solo albums were permanent residents of playlists on any of my gadgets. I can't count how many times his songs have given me comfort, even in times when I thought I didn't really need it.

I never knew you, I never saw you live, but I feel so devastated. Ang sakit-sakit naman, Chris Cornell. Rest easy.

“We depend on our surroundings obliquely to embody the moods and ideas we respect and then to remind us of them. We look to our buildings to hold us, like a kind of psychological mould, to a helpful vision of ourselves. We arrange around us material forms which communicate to us what we need — but are at constant risk of forgetting what we need — within. We turn to wallpaper, benches, paintings and streets to staunch the disappearance of our true selves.”

– The Architecture of Happiness, Alain de Botton

Why do we feel like we belong in some places and not in others? It's interesting to me how the idea of a physical space can have so much impact on our identities - no matter that it's our first time there, or our thousandth. It's also interesting how our relationship with a place evolves: like how a place we dislike will later on become monuments of a certain part of our lives that we will eventually look back on nostalgically.

I think my favorite part of going on a trip is getting this feeling of "I belong," on the most random of places. I can honestly say that I don't see myself permanently residing abroad ever - but I'm going to lie if I say that there aren't parts of other countries where I can imagine myself being a part of its picture. There are places that resonated with certain parts of me, echoes that only the inner, most secret versions of myself could hear. And it was oddly comforting event though physically - all senses considered - they are alien.

Consider this carousel: before my trip, I only saw it once, on a video montage featuring a particular love team. But my feelings for said pairing notwithstanding - I instantly felt so much joy and excitement. Like I've never seen a carousel before - even though I have, a hundred times. I don't even like riding carousels. Something about it just spoke to me - maybe the colors? The innocence of children's laughter? The chilly, snuggle-appropriate weather? Whatever it was, it spoke to a part of me that longed for carefree, happy Saturday afternoons.

What does that say about me? A lot, but also, maybe, not much.

"Place makes memories cohere in complex ways," writes architectural historian Dolores Hayden. And I think that's true. How else can we have a memory of something if it doesn't have a setting? A backdrop?

I don't have a steady grasp of my "true self" lately. I'm not sure how much of my likes and dislikes right now are permanently part of "Karla, the person." But I'd like to think that this year is going to be all about reconciling these impulses to the identity. I'm in for a long period of introspection inside my room - aside from all the studying, of course. Personalities change, just as much as surroundings do. But the self can change too even when the place does not. Here's to hoping I like whatever version of me that comes out from this cocoon of a year.

I went to UP yesterday to fix my clearance; and on my way to the OUR I just had to pass by this place again. It's been more than a year since the fire, and it still stings. I was there that night. My friends and I went to accompany another friend, a professor at the History department who thought he could still salvage his things.

As I stood in the same spot I did a year ago, I was again reminded of everything that was lost in the flames - records, undergrad theses, thousands of books, costumes, scripts, poems, novels, works of art, memories. Stories. Corners and corridors that witnessed our every failure and joy. Sometimes, I still wonder, how can its end be so cruel? To have left absolutely nothing behind but ashes?

I stood in front of it yesterday with a heavy heart - heavier than my usual sentiments of missing CAL as I crawled my way through law school. Turns out, today the building is being demolished. FC was home, perhaps even more so than Malcolm ever was. And to lose it so permanently just as my stay in UP was ending - it felt like salt on my battle wounds.

But if there's anything I learned as a student of this college, it's that there is beauty to be found in starting over. Stories end, time passes. Life comes and goes, often taking away parts of us we can never get back. The most we can hope for is that this sadness will eventually carry us through. To new narratives, new perspectives, new meanings. For now, we grieve. Tomorrow - as with all tomorrows - we will pick up our pens and write again.


__

Labels: CAL, UP

I came back from the US about a week ago but have just recently re-adjusted my body to the nights and days on this part of the world. I was gone for twenty-one days, on a time zone sixteen hours away. And I have nothing to complain about - I had a fantastic time, I visited places I've only dreamt of seeing and I wish I could write about all of it.

Labels: travel, US

It has been said that there is great peril in meeting someone you've admired for so long - often they do not live up to your expectations. They turn out to be less of the magnificent person you've conjured in your head, and more of a flawed, distorted, imperfect version. Which can either be a good or bad thing. Good, because at least you know they're human just like you. Bad, because wtf they're human just like you.

I tried coming into this interview with zero expectations - "tried" being the operative word here, because much as I wanted to be all professional (after all, I don't work for Scout; this is my first time to interview a celebrity; and first time to do a cover story) I was also very aware that the reason I was chosen to do the task was because I was, first and foremost, a fan.




"Fan" - it's such a funny word. It's either a badge you wear with honor or a label you detest. Either way, for most people, "fan" is associated with "irrational," "lovesick," or "obsessive." I sure as hell believed I was none of those adjectives, but I swear the moment I stepped into that shoot I became all of it. I couldn't decide how to sit, where to put my cellphone, how to look at her. It felt like staring at the sun, only instead of UV rays I got a simple girl putting her own makeup, preparing her own salad. But radiance and warmth just the same.

It has also been said that there is great danger in meeting and writing about someone you've admired for so long - often, you cannot encapsulate who they are. I've been asked a hundred times since the cover feature has been revealed: "How was she?" "What was she like?"




The funny thing is I've already written my article, and thought I've said what I can say about her. And yet, almost a month later, here I am, still finding excuses to write about her, still looking for ways to sneak her into the conversation, still wanting to talk to and about her. Because the thing is, she was nothing like my expectations. She was so much more. Which is something that a "lovesick / obsessed" fan will say about her. But it's true - she was great, and yes, I am a lovesick / obsessed fan. She was casual, and honest, and candid. She was willing to talk openly about her love life and her ambitions. She gamely played with the photographer's and layout team's ideas. She made jokes; she told stories (some about herself, some about James, one about another fandom - hahaha #secret).

But more than that, she seemed like a great friend. And isn't that what we all want? To be friends with the people we admire? The way she answered her questions, man I swear I felt like we could be BFFs if we just had more time. Don't get me wrong - I'm under no illusions that if I message her randomly she'll remember me and we'll get to hang out. But, she really seemed like the kind of person I - and consequently, everyone - could connect with. No pretenses.

Which is the most we can hope for when we meet our idols, I guess. That we are given a glimpse of who they are behind the persona. At the end of the day, she is still after all human. But more than just a girl, she is a person with stories. A person with dreams, with plans, with questions. With things that bother her, things that make her heart leap for joy.  

If there's one thing I've learned from reading all these cases and jurisprudence in law school, it's this: Never forget that these people are real. The names you read about in SCRA? People. The faces you imagine as you memorize doctrines? People. And in the same way, the artistas whose photos we like on IG and whose teleseryes we follow religiously? People. And if there's also one thing I've learned from my degree in college, it's this: It's important to get to humanize the people you write about. They are not two-dimensional characters with quotes. It's all pretty much the same. And the most important thing to remember always is that when you meet someone, as a fan, as a writer, as a lawyer, it's important to find these stories, so that we can paint a better picture of them, something we can hold on to with great pride and respect. It doesn't matter if you come in there as a fan or as a mere observer - just as long as you find it and you do it well. And when we get to find that common ground with anyone - celebrity, stranger, whoever - it makes for the best kinds of stories. Plural.





So I guess that entire experience can't really be summed up with one article. Or one caption. It was just an hour of the interview, but I felt like we talked for hours. Which you can chalk up to my being a lovesick / obsessed fangirl. Or you can blame it on Nadine being able to put her walls down and reveal parts of herself to people who are eager to listen. Either way, it makes for a great fan encounter - and a great story to write about again and again.




P.S. If you want to read the cover story I wrote featuring Nadine, grab a copy of this month's January-February issue of Scout! It's available online here or at select campuses, and National Bookstore & Powerbooks branches :)






(Credits: All photos from the issue itself are from Scout magazine. The BTS shot as well as my photo with her are from my camera. The photo of James and Nadine was grabbed from her Instagram account. The photo of me and my boyfriend was grabbed from his phone wallpaper #hehe)

For someone who just finished law school, I've been watching Scrubs A LOT these days. Funnily enough, I have no interest in obsessing over any legal shows to "reignite my passions" or "get the ball rolling" right before bar review. Or at any time in the last four and a half years, actually. Sure, on occasion, I'd pop in my DVD of Ally McBeal the few weeks before finals and marathon while powering through the last bunch of cases for the semester, or sometimes when I'm at home I'd catch whatever episode of Suits is on Jack TV out of curiosity's sake. But I'm not as invested in those shows as I am with this medical comedy - something completely opposite of what I'm doing, but also, oddly familiar.

I think the thing that has gotten me hooked again on it this time - after the nth rewatch - is how my perspective has altered the way I'm seeing the show. The series starts with the lead characters beginning their first year of internship as medical doctors. They have just graduated medical school, they now have this newfound sense of authority, but also this staggering responsibility. Before stepping into the halls of Sacred Heart Hospitals, they were merely students, with adequate working knowledge of medicine. As the series (and their internship) continues, they come face to face with the hard realities of actually being a doctor: making tough calls and living with those decisions.

If you think about it, it's not that different from the realities of a new lawyer. (Or in my case, a fresh-out-of-law-school no-longer-a-student... uhm, person). It is overwhelming. And it can be crippling to be in a position where all decisions made are crucial because lives are suddenly on the line, every single time. People are no longer just names on a case, they are actual persons in real trouble seeking for your help.

But mostly, I think I just long for the humanity of it all. Scrubs gives me that. Doctors are expected to save the day, much like lawyers. But unlike the latter, the world views doctors as kind and compassionate people. They heal. Even if their arrival often signals sickness or death, it also presages a kind of hope. They aren't walking creatures of doom - or worse, greed. You know that deep down, they are people who care. Empathy is the biggest tool in their disposal.

Which is so unlike the field of lawyering. Most lawyers are aggressive, abrasive, and arrogant. Sadly, those are qualities that make for some of the greatest lawyers too.





Perhaps being in a cut-throat environment like law school made me forget what it's like to be in a place that is more compassionate than competitive. And I think the reason I've been so invested in Scrubs lately is because I needed to remember why I'm in this field in the first place - that I too want to make a difference. I want to be part of solutions, I want to get people out of a rut, I want to give someone their victory - but without being a dick about it. I can help, and also be kind and compassionate about it.

In the next few months, I'm about to begin my bar review. And I've been told repeatedly by friends that it's the biggest, most difficult challenge any law graduate would have to face. I think I've been preparing myself mentally since my classmates took the bar last November. But my heart needed the reminder that I'm doing this for the right reasons. I'm not here to prove that I'm the best or the smartest or the greatest. I just want to retain a piece of this cheery, outgoing self and still be good at what I dream to do. And that even though I'm the way I am, it doesn't mean I will suck at being a lawyer. It just means I'm going to be different. Hopefully, that's a good thing.

Much has already been said about the year 2016.  It had high highs, it had low lows. It signaled the beginning of things, it ushered in many endings.

Labels: required reading

For our Christmas dinner this year, Louie and I decided to try something a little different. A few weeks ago, in one of his weekly meetings in Rockwell, he made a reservation in Barcino at Power Plant. We figured it would be a great way of celebrating my last semester in law school, his career progression, and also the year that was, which is definitely - for lack of a better term - one for the books.

Oddly, despite it being just a few days away from Christmas, I haven't been 100% into the Christmas cheer. I suppose it's just because the last few weeks have been about studying for finals (my final finals, so the pressure was on), that I didn't have time to really embrace the whole holiday spirit right away. But when we got inside the mall and I saw all the lights and decorations, my eyes lit up like a 7-year-old on Christmas morning! It was beautiful. Each beam was adorned with green garlands and red ribbons, and the hallways were lined with potted poinsettias. (Alliteration is awesome!) It was quite a sight; what a way to trigger all my Christmas-y emotions!








When we finally decided to have dinner, I was surprised to find out that there was only one booth - the wine cellar. All the bottles adorned the shelves, and we had the small room all to ourselves. Lovely wouldn't even begin to describe it. It was nice because we felt really ~VIP~ and special.




Louie ordered Spanish wine to pair with our cheese and chorizo platter. Admittedly, I'm not much of a wine gal (beer or Long Island iced tea is more like it, LOL) so just having something new to try was exciting. In addition, we also had seafood paella, because I was craving it. A few years ago, we used to have paella at my Wowa's house in Batangas for Christmas. Recently, however, we've just opted to check in a hotel to celebrate, since my aunt's passing and my Wowa's accident. The staycation is less of a hassle for everyone, and it's great because we get to eat out. But of course I still miss Wowa's paella, so this was a great way of being reminded of the good ol' holidays :)

The cheese was good, but to no one's surprise, I still didn't like blue cheese. #uncultured :)) It reminded me of an awkward moment of mine when we had a trip to Amish Country in Ohio a few years back. The elderly in the community were showing us their products, and being the polite (and naive) girl that I was, I tried out their samples. Wrong move to go for the "cookies-and-cream-looking" cheese! I couldn't hide the disgust on my face! And while I uttered my revulsion in straight Tagalog ("Ang panget ng lasaaaa!!"), I'm pretty sure they could tell I was not pleased. I still carry the Amish grandma's disappointed face with me every single day of my life :))

...sorry, I digress!

Anyway, I am not ashamed to say that Louie and I almost finished everything. I wish I had a better word for delicious, because it all tasted so, so good. That, or we were just tired and hungry because traffic along EDSA is terrible! And justthat in general 2016 was such a mess, so we felt like we deserved to wolf down a meal to reward ourselves for surviving it! :))

But no, really, the food and wine was fantastic.






Jologs Girl fun fact: This VIP room was the exact spot where James and Nadine officially became a couple! Hahahaha! :)) More than all the fancy stuff, this little trivia was what took the cake! :)) Thank goodness for Louie who understands my #fangirl heart. :))




I guess that's it for our 4th Christmas dinner together. It was quite a year for all of us but at the end of the day, there are still many, many things to be thankful for. It's good to be reminded of that every once in a while :)

Happy holidays! ♥

Last week, I had my last classes and took my final exams in the College of Law. For the most part, I expected to be more emotional, more bittersweet about it. But as the days went on I just felt more relieved than anything else. This was the moment that I've long been dreaming of, the part where I can look at Malcolm Hall and say, "Wow, what a ride." But that day, when I took my last exam ever as a student, I gazed at our building and just uttered, "Hay, I just want to eat." :))

It's true, you can't predict your feelings, not even when you've imagined them all in your head for the last four and a half years. Which is funny, because being the emotional person that I am, one of my best friends was teasing me - "For sure, iiyak ka after Civ!" And I was so ready to cry that day. But I didn't. Instead, I let out a hearty laugh and craved for Burger King.

Which isn't to say that I don't feel sentimental at all. Of course I do. UP has been home for the last eight years. I've spent a huge fraction of my life here. I first stepped foot in the campus when I was a young, naive, idealistic 16-year-old. And now I'm a... uhh... 25. :)) I grew up here, and of course it's difficult to leave for good. But at the same time, eight years was such a long time of being confined inside the bubble. It was tiring. Most of my time was spent with books, with ideas. Now I'm just glad to finally have succeeded.

I reckon the heavy waterworks will be coming when I actually graduate, i.e., ceremony, sablay, UP Naming Mahal, the whole enchilada. But for now, I'm just really excited to have reached the finish line. Finally! I got into law school hoping and praying that I will get out of it in one piece. I did! I really effin' did! Who would have thought?! Now give me those burgers! :))






Later that week, I also attended the Lantern Parade, my first time since 2013. As per tradition, I was with two of my college best friends, Ria and Adrian. When we were in undergrad, our big group would sit on the steps of Melchor Hall and spend half a day there, watching as the festivities unfold. A lot of things have changed since then, most notable of which - aside from all of us graduating, of course - was the change in the academic calendar. Before, the last week of December meant Engineering Week, and the night of the Lantern Parade meant Miss Eng'g. Good times.




It's pretty much obvious by now what a special place I have in my heart for Eng'g. That's where I found my bestest, closest friends, my funniest escapades, and my greatest crush - who also became my greatest love. #yihee But the truth is, I really feel such a strong affinity with the college even though I never took classes there. So I just felt like it was proper to spend my last Lantern Parade as a student in the same place where I made so many memories.

Since the Parade is scheduled at the last day of the academic semester, it meant less people. It was at the tail-end of finals week, so I suppose most people were either still studying for exams or were already done and have gone back to their provinces. But while the crowd wasn't as big, the lanterns still lived up to my expectations. I was super pleased that most of them not only embodied a Christmas theme, but also carried with them a strong sentiment against the current political climate. I was especially proud of College of Law's lantern, of course, since it featured Lady Justice with the words "Marcos Not A Hero." We really are in trying times, and it's good to know that even in the middle of such revelry, there is still room to acknowledge the struggle that lies outside.

It's things like this that I'll really miss about UP.




But of course, there's still one place that I will always consider home.

Shortly after the Lantern Parade, my friends and I went to AS to fetch our other kabarkada Jio, who is now a history professor. (Coincidentally, he's also the boyfriend of my law school blockmate and sis, Therese). After the fire that destroyed the Faculty Center, they were relocated to what was formerly the Chem Pavilion. It was newly renovated after it was also razed in flames a couple of years before. The entire first floor corridor of the pavilion felt eerily familiar - and then I remembered, it was where I took my UPCAT in 2007!

And now, that very same corridor houses the offices and departments of my college, the College of Arts and Letters. This was what made me feel really nostalgic. It still breaks my heart thinking about all that was lost in that April fire - more than just the memories, but all the books! Pieces of literature that were parts of history. Gone.




But, as they say, art is never really destroyed. Much like energy, it just transforms, and finds other ways to be re-created. I walked the corridors where CAL is now located, and I found small comfort in knowing that they have now planted new seeds there. Time for new art to flourish, and new stories to be told. :)




My last few nights in QC I spent with friends--

After Lantern Parade I met up with the rest of my college barkada at a friend's house. It wasn't even a third of the entire group, but that's still a feat considering our number (30??), our busy schedules, and our zip codes. It's a different kind of fun when I'm with them because I can be my most natural, no pretenses, and still be completely at home. We always just pick up where we left off, and never run out of things to talk laugh about. We had pizza and beer; Ria also brought some home-cooked pesto rolls (or what our friend Enzo dubbed as "lumpiang pesto" haha!). It's the simple things that I love most when it comes to these guys. No charades, and eight years later, we're still quite the same people. Which is the kind of constancy we need in these crazy times, really.




Then the day after was my food trip / tita date with my blockmate sisses. The five of us are the only Portians in our block, with two of them having taken the bar last November, two of us graduating this semester, and one who transferred in another law school. So it really is a rarity to have all of us in one place! And what a riot. I've never eaten that much food in a span of 12 hours! We decided to try and venture out into the Kapitolyo area since we never go there. For lunch, we wanted to be adventurous and ate at Locavore. (Everything we ordered was sooo goood!). Then we walked around East Kapitolyo, stopped by some craft stores, and ended up having cakes at Epic Cafe. Then we waited for the Sky High Bar to open to cap off our night with some drinks. Talking about exams, firm interviews, and clients never seemed so fancy :))











In hindsight, it was a great weekend for ~closure~. I don't think it has really sunk in yet that I'll be leaving Quezon City, and be crawling back to my domicile in Paranaque for good. But more than feeling wistful, I'm actually more thrilled. Eight years in a place like UP was more than what most people can ask for in their lifetime. But now it's time to settle back into our home and make myself comfortable with the idea that I'm finally a permanent resident of our house again. A lot of adjustments to be expected, yes, especially given the grueling months ahead for bar review. But I think I made the right decision to surround myself with the best people in my life instead, and that's my family, who's been my support system since Day 1.

TL;DR: I miss my mom and pop so much, so it's definitely great to be back! I'm going to miss you QC, but Paranaque's still the shizz ;)

Ever
       Team Sleep
     

you make that dance look so new
and I'm on a face like you've never seen

Today is a good day to remind ourselves that as long as there is darkness, the search for the light must continue. To fight the good fight, and to keep it aflame - that is the goal. This is why we are here: to remind the world that there is goodness, there is justice, there is love. One day our generation will have our turn, and the hope is that we will do right by what our true heroes have fought for. This anger, this disappointment, it should keep us rising every single day until there is no more fear or hurt, only acceptance, and retribution, and healing.

But until then, we can cry.

#MarcosIsNOTaHero
#NeverTrump

Perhaps, if we were to believe in science and fiction, there are indeed other universes. And that, along with the belief of these other universes, there are infinite possibilities. And that, within these possibilities, there is one where we met and where we didn't. Perhaps, in another universe, where we weren't supposed to meet the way we did, our lines barely intersecting, oblivious of the great love that did not even remotely cross paths, we could have lived happily just the same. Perhaps.

But then, there would also be a universe wherein we met, but only tangentially so, and not bringing us to the road that led us to this. Maybe, in another timeline, we would have met in class, we would have laughed at the same jokes and shared the same umbrella one rainy afternoon. Maybe we would have had the chance to talk about music, and we would've known that we both liked The Cure, that I adored Deftones, that you loved Led Zeppelin. Then we would've gone our separate ways just the same, and that would have been that. Or maybe, in yet another dimension, for some reason or another - a butterfly landing on a different leaf, or the wind blowing south instead of east - we did not meet the people whose hearts we will break. Regardless, we would have been different people. And when the cosmos finally decided it's time for us to meet again, it would not have worked, for I have not been bruised, and you, not jaded.

And the thing is, the thought of that universe existing casts a sudden, hollow pain inside my chest, so much more than the thought of one where we never met. For it means we were so close, but not even quite at the point of an almost - that we caught the light but only a flicker, that we circled around the sun but we were facing the moon.

If I can posit one consistent fact across all universes, though, it's that everyone will somehow be touched by some kind of music that reaches deep into our souls. Who wouldn't be? I can feel it in my bones that the stardust they say we are all made of, this stardust kneels down to song. It recognizes music as a higher, supreme being. And I am quite sure, by the way the nerves down my spine tingle to the opening riffs of some truly outstanding ballads, that there is no variant of me existing elsewhere that has not at all found my way to great music, those whose lyrics resound, and whose melodies affirm.

I say this because at this very moment, as I listen to the Beatles' Revolver, all I can think of is how beautiful it is to stumble upon songs that can transcend time and space, sound and light, fiction and non-fiction, infinities upon infinities; but then also, I think to myself, what a travesty it is, how cruel, how tragic for me to have stumbled upon Here, There, and Everywhere in the same timeline where I met you only briefly, barely; to sing its every word by heart, and not have a love like ours punctuate the chorus.

"The thing I love about the Peppers is that the music is so happy but at the same time it’s hardcore — it’s hardcore happiness. 'Cause you know, they sing about a happy that you have to be sad to get there. So when Anthony sings about ‘taking it on the other side,’ you know that motherf*cker was on the other side. When they sing ‘Scar Tissue,’ you know they got scars." 

— Chris Rock, inducting the RHCP into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame

When the darkness within you isn't leading you to the light, at least be thankful that it's led you to good music. Good, heavy rock music. It heals.

For the last fourteen days, it's been the Red Hot Chili Peppers. The whole damn discography, from Freaky Styley to the golden-era of John Frusciante to the most recent The Getaway. And shit, I think it just might have changed my life. I am not kidding.

I've known them for a good fraction of my post-adolescence - always hearing them on the radio, or on the bus, or in someone's car - but they never really spoke to me until now. Holy Mercury in retrogade, I am grateful. Truly effin' grateful.


P.S. After all these years, "Dani California" is still my favorite. "Scar Tissue" and "The Zephyr Song" are now tied in second. "Under the Bridge" comes a close third. But man the guitar riffs in "BSSM" deserve a spot too. 

1.
The first time I heard this song in a TV show, a teenager who suffered a heart attack is being resuscitated, a man who murdered his brother is in prison for killing someone else, a fetus' heartbeat is heard for the first time after its pregnant high school mother wakes up from a coma, a heartbroken ex-girlfriend comes to terms with her great love and best friend being together.

Such incredible recovery from dire circumstances. I was fifteen years old, bawling my eyes out, completely alien to losses of this magnitude, but nonetheless affected by it. That episode hit me hard, but for reasons that don't really go beyond the show. Like a dutiful fan, I took that song with me - I found a copy on Limewire, put it on my iPod, and had it filed under my 'One Tree Hill mix.' And life went on as usual.

Read more »

Labels: finger exercises

In celebration of my iPod Classic's 10th birthday, I share with you a song I first heard in 2006. Ten years later and it still gets me going. Like an anthem that pushes me to work even in the middle of the night, like a comrade that pulls me out of bed in the morning.


man, she saves me
'til this day I don't know why
she picked me up
when I was down on the road
with the wind when it blowed

Tomorrow, school officially starts again. And for obvious reasons, I've been feeling sentimental these last couple of days. I spent the better part of last week holed up in my grandparents' house in Batangas, poring over old photo albums and yearbooks, reading old books, and binge-watching former favorite TV shows. That, of course, includes a marathon of One Tree Hill.

I always kid myself that One Tree Hill is my "the one that got away." The show I wish I didn't have to let go of. It was such a monumental part of my adolescent life (I mean, have you seen this blog's archives?! And wait 'til you see my iPod playlists!) and I'd like to think a good portion of who I am now is pretty much an effect of a lot that I took away from that show. Before it became all-out soap-y and campy in its latter seasons (which I no longer watched), OTH was a laid-back show that had quite a bit of petty drama, but always with high stakes. And for a 15-year-old with raging hormones, it didn't matter that they were just fighting about boys and basketball; the drama meant something to me. (The music too.) It all meant a lot, even though in the grander scheme of things, it actually meant so little.




I guess a part of me wanted to binge-watch OTH again because I wanted to remember what it felt like to watch that show as a young teenager with nary a sense of what the world was like. Sure, at the height of the show's popularity (and my addiction to it), I thought I could relate to the characters' drama - graduation and senioritis, worrying about what college to go to, dreading the thought of missing your friends. Falling in love.

But watching parts of Season 3 and 4 again over the last few days made me realize how — despite my repeated viewings of each episode back in high school — I never really got it. Or rather, I got it much differently than I should have. It's only now that I'm seeing so much more of what each character was going through. And it's only at this time in my life, when I'm almost eight years removed from high school, that I'm realizing how much wisdom there is to be found in that show.

I'm particularly fond of one episode in Season 3, "Everyday is a Sunday Evening." I remember having a copy of it burned on a DVD and playing it every chance I get on whatever player there is in our house or in my grandparent's house. I was super obsessed with it because it was an episode that had Nathan as the central character (as opposed to the lead, Lucas), evidenced by his voice-over from the beginning and the end. Obviously, anything #NathanScott and #Naley will always top my book, but this one was just really special. Its central conflict was about his determination to bring the Tree Hill Ravens to the State Championship. But there were so many other elements of that episode that I feel pretty much encapsulated why it held so true — and even more so, actually, at present. I watched it again and felt the same kind of affection for it, but also a new-found sense of awe that it still had layers I could only have understood now, at 24, when I'm about to leave law school and start my life for real.

THIS. Basically sums up my feelings right now.

I'm still not in the same position as the characters in the show. I still don't know much about basketball; I'm not about to carry my entire team on my shoulders for a championship; I'm not a married high school senior; I don't have effed up parents who are rarely at home nor do I have psycho stalkers.

But I have been through something incredibly life-changing in the last few months and years. I've experienced heartbreak, I've dealt with grief. I've lost something I never thought I'd ever have; I've re-gained something I never thought I can be without.

What I do share with the characters right now is that feeling of overwhelming exhilaration to the point of dread. I am suddenly so keenly aware of how much I am at the tip of the roller coaster, the edge of the precipice. I'm so close to the top, but also so near to the big drop.

There's this line in this particular episode, where Peyton says:

"You know that feeling you get on a Sunday where you just have the whole day to yourself, and it's been great, and then you remember you have to go to school the next day, so it ruins the rest of the night? I have to go home tomorrow, and so I've got that feeling. It's like Sunday night."

It's exactly how I'm feeling right now. Literally, because it's a Sunday, and figuratively, because this entire semester is like the metaphorical Sunday of the rest of my life. Law school is the easy part, actually. Monday means the future, everything that lies ahead. Do I feel afraid? Do I feel excited? How do I label both?

OTH doesn't give me the answers — as does life, no matter how much I ask myself this — but there is comfort in knowing that there probably isn't one at the moment, and that I am not alone in feeling confused. It's okay to feel both thrilled and worried at the same time. It's normal to be anxious at what lies ahead but still look forward to it, even though you have no control of your future. Just the thought of what lies ahead is scary, but also thrilling. Oddly enough, it's precisely this ambivalence that I find relief in. That there are others who probably feel the same way, it makes me feel more normal, less lonely.

Less adrift, less lost.

And sometimes that's all we need. Even if it's comfort from a TV show. As long as it keeps you going, right?

God, I love this show.

It was such an honor to have worked under the guidance of this brilliant, inspiring, and dedicated public servant. Thank you for opening our eyes to the importance of judicial reform and service, Chief. In a country full of uncertainties, you remain a guiding light, a driving force. :)

Labels: law

The Angeles City Hall of Justice, one of the pilot eCourts for the Justice Zone Project of the Supreme Court. This HOJ is fully automated, from filing, raffle, docketing, hearing, to issuance of orders. It also has complete facilities for all judges, clerks of court, prosecutors, PAO, PPA, and other offices involved in the administration of justice. Aside from that it houses the back-up data center of all existing eCourt data in the region so far. Right now, each branch here only has around 200-300 cases (down from an estimate of 1,300 before the automation) and has improved significantly in terms of efficiency in the adjudication of cases.

Hopefully, by 2019, the other courts in the project will be fully renovated and automated as well, including NCR, Region IV-A and Region VII.

Yay, progress! :) #JudicialReform #JusticeZone


_

Labels: law

"What is your daily skincare and makeup routine?"

"So does the BB cream already serve as your moisturizer? Or do you still tone and moisturize before? I'm so overwhemled by all the products I read online and I just want a simple, hassle-free routine for everyday where I don't have to put on too much and feel cakey all throughout haha. I just saw that you post some makeup related stuff every now and then and thought it wouldn't hurt to ask hahaha sorry for bothering you with these MU questions!"

SKINCARE






MAKE-UP

Labels: beauty

A few months ago, I was accepted as one of the interns for the Judicial Administration and Reform Internship Program under the Office of the Chief Justice in the Supreme Court. There are seven of us in the program, with six of us coming from UP and one from San Beda. We work directly under the Chief Justice, and are tasked primarily with judicial & legal reform through policy-making and general management on court administration.

We started just last Monday, but already we feel like we've been working here for a month, considering the amount of tasks we've accomplished and the deliverables we have to submit. We have so much on our plate! But that's not necessarily a bad thing: it just means that there is work being done. There are a lot of programs, policies, and other plans currently in motion - meaning there are definitely improvements being made in the Supreme Court, and effectively, in the Judiciary.

For instance, just last Thursday, June 9, we went to the Justice Sector Coordinating Council's Principals' Meeting, held at the Manila Pavilion Hotel. It was attended by various government agencies in the justice sector, headed by the three principals, the Supreme Court, the Department of Justice (DOJ) and the Department of Interior and Local Government (DILG). All the offices under these three principals were present and represented too, including delegates from the Judiciary (such as judges from trial courts), the police force (PNP), the BJMP and BuCor, and the prosecutors. The JSCC was organized to serve as a joint forum for dialogue on issues and initiatives among justice sector institutions.




Our primary task for that day was to work as the secretariat, preparing the presentations and the resolutions that will be reported by key figures before the JSCC principals and members. We had to keep track of a lot of events, update ourselves with the status of ongoing projects, and familiarize ourselves with different people, to keep the program afloat. You could say we were like baby animals thrown into the wild and had to fend for ourselves right away. But it was a great experience. For one, the entire thing made the Supreme Court and the Judiciary three-dimensional for me. Whereas in school, it was merely a body that writes decisions and decides on jurisprudence, now, it has become this living, breathing organism that functions thanks to the continuous work of many smaller parts. The SC is not just a branch of government - it is an office. It has responsibilities, both administrative and judicial in nature. It is the foundation on which the framework of the entire justice system works.




Our calendars are packed until the end of July. Some of us are going to Baguio for a small claims seminar; others have already attended ASEAN and DFA meetings or jail decongestion projects. I myself am tasked to go to Palawan this week in preparation for an ASEAN Chief Justice meeting. We are also set to attend an MBA lecture, and to organize a compendium of justice zones. It's a lot to have on one's plate, but it's exciting. Much of our job is not just doing research on jurisprudence but also conducting studies and collating data on the field. What I like so far about the program is that we are thrust right into the middle of all the action. There is no room for spoon-feeding, no time for baby steps. We have to learn the ropes right away, because these projects and reforms are not going to slow down for us. There are so many things happening; it can be pretty overwhelming, considering we've only been working officially for six days (as of this writing). But it's also satisfying when you finally realize how much you can contribute to the improvement of the sector.




I think my biggest takeaway from all this, so far, is that I'm happy to have found something I would love to do as a lawyer one day. I've always had this nagging feeling inside me that I cannot envision a lifetime of litigation - I don't see myself being satisfied by going down the traditional path of lawyering. That may be the case for almost all of my peers, but I think it is not for me. I also cannot see myself ever running for public office and becoming a politician, which is also something some of my batchmates are sure to pursue. For the most part of law school, my difficulties have stemmed from the fact that I am a very non-adversarial person. I don't like disputes; I want solutions rather than conflict. I'm a team player; I don't like arguing and winning for the sake of arguing and winning. Which isn't exactly the most ideal of traits when one wants to pursue litigation (or public office). I've had these feelings affirmed after our internship in OLA as well. Much as I enjoyed helping out our clients, I felt like it was too limiting and too constrained for me. It was also too stifling, having the lives of a particular few in my hands. The intention to help was there, but my heart was not in it.

Hence, my inclination to now work for the government. Last semester, my internship at the OGCC proved to be a good experience. And now this. I realized I can function more knowing that I am getting something done to help fix the system. There are always things being done, and problems slowly being solved. I want to be part of that solution.

Don't get me wrong, I am not closing my doors on any opportunities that may come my way in the days and months and years to come. Lawyering, after all, is a profession that seeps in almost all industries and all sectors. Who knows, I may still change my mind before or after graduation (or the Bar). But as it is, I am liking what I see, and I am enjoying this kind of work. There is so much to do, but also so much to learn, and so much to contribute.

Para sa bayan. :))

Labels: law, summer

Hello, I'm Karla Bernardo. If you Google my name, you will find the Wikipedia entry of a Canadian serial-killer (and trust me, you do not want to read about that - but I'm sure you will because now you're curious), which is why I suggest you type Bombastarr instead so you can stalk me better.

I spent eight-and-a-half years of my life in the University of the Philippines, where I graduated with degrees in Creative Writing and Juris Doctor. It is also where I learned how to speak a bit of Italian, got a taste of the best tapsilog, and took striptease for PE.

I love telling stories, as much as I enjoy finding them.

<center><font style="color: #ffffff;">____</font>Want <a href="http://www.blogger.com/profile/09096636074047764491">more</a>?</center><br>

Featured Works

Stargirl (Cover story for Nadine Lustre, Scout, January-February 2017)
Surreal / So Real (at Scout)
Ode to a Great Love's 17-year-old Self (Love.Life, Philippine Daily Inquirer)
Postcard from Diliman (Youngblood, Philippine Daily Inquirer)

Writer for Philippine Law Register
A Call to Arms (January 2017)
Expecting the Expected (March 2016)

Former Writer for Stache Magazine
The Hero's Journey (June 2013)
The 8 People You Become In Your Youth (June 2013)
The Best Bad Idea That Is Argo (April 2013)
Mike Ross Remembers Everything You Don't (August 2012)
Style Between the Riffs (August 2012)
Book Lovers Never Sleep Alone (June 2012)
A Spectrum of Change (December 2011)
Digital Art (October 2011)
Elements of Style (June 2011)
In Her White Dress (All-Art April 2011 issue)

Morning After Pill (Fervore: Literary Folio 2013, UP Portia Sorority)
How To Make a Blueberry Cheesecake (Kalas: Kalasag Literary Folio 2011, UP College of Arts and Letters)
January 14th (100: The Hundreds Project, UP Writer's Club)

An Ode to The Pillow Book (at New-Slang)
Introductions (at TeenInk)
One by One (at TeenInk)

   

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Got a comment, question, violent reaction, love letter, or random piece of information you want to share with me? Just fire away. I don't bite.

(I changed my form and went back to Freedback because Ask.fm's being a bitch, requiring people to sign up for accounts before asking questions. Because I love you guys, I tweaked my ask box a bit, so that the questions will now go directly to my e-mail, but I'll be posting the answers still on my Ask.fm for convenience. TL;DR - I'll still be getting your questions so no worries. You're still free to harass me / send me your love.)

Answers

Most Frequently Asked Question

Are you a pornstar?
No, I am not a pornstar, stripper, or your friendly neighborhood call girl. It's just a fancy pseudonym with a long history, and two R's. Rawr.

Bombastarr is my personal blog and my little corner in the Internet since 2005. Yes, I started writing here when I was 13 years old (aka when I was very angsty, hormonal, and always gushing at the littlest things) -- ergo, you'd have to forgive me if you come across an old post that reeks of immaturity and slightly unpolished grammar. I did a lot of growing up here, and from the looks of it, there's still a lot of growing up to do, so I don't think I'll be leaving this place any time soon.

The domain, Bombastarr.com, was purchased on June 2014 and launched on July 2014, on the blog's ninth year (and fifth month, to be exact).

It's crazy to think that this blog is now thirteen years old, because (1) that seems like an eternity in internet years, and (2) that means if my blog were a kid, it's a teenager! That's insane.

Here's to more tales, explosive and otherwise.

If you've been living under a rock and think I'm a threat to world peace or an object of covetousness, sorry to disappoint you, folks: it's just a fancy pseudonym.

As in most things, it started in high school. It began as a joke between me and a couple of friends during our freshman year. We were practicing for a field demonstration dance which involved the use of shawls, and being the crazy-always-trying-to-be-funny person that I was (or I always attempted to be) I started doing poses with the garment. Someone started taking my picture using my phone, and one shot looked like I was posing for those B-list movies (or should it be R-list, as in R-rated?) of the vegetable-nomenclature variety. #IKYWIM. Hence, the word, "Bombastarr." Yes, very cheeky, I know, but for a 13-year-old, it was quirky enough to figure as a username. That was 2005, right around the time I trying to decide on a URL for a new blog. It's been a lot of years since, and what started as a joke became something I've eventually embraced as an identity.

Despite the many other chances I've gotten to permanently move (to Multiply, Livejournal, Tumblr, Wordpress; to a bigger platform where I can earn or use the blog as a venue for commerce), I've come to realize that Bombastarr is something I can never truly leave behind. It is a place I've grown to appreciate and love because it is a place I can call my own. It's a venue for my rants, my views, my writing. It is home, and it is who I am.

Bombastarr is a glimpse of my life: the thoughts, ideas, and stories that shape it into what it is, and what it will still become. This journal has been with me for all my crazy, often embarrassing adventures, but I'm sure there will be more anecdotes and feelings and people to write about. Which is something I'm really looking forward to. After all, you know what they say about the greatest stories - sometimes, there's still a lot that's left unwritten.

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