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Almost there.

October 11, 2011    |    0 COMMENT(S)

And so the semester nears its conclusion.

As I type, I am in the middle of cramming Marxism and Cultural Studies for my Literary Theory exam while biting into my barely crunchy peanut butter toast. I just finished printing my 30-paged critical introduction for my thesis, whose final submission is today. (Ah, the smell of ink on new paper!) I am not even in the process of tidying up my room which is currently a battlefield of books, readings, and notebooks, sleep and distress fighting it out in the final battle that is this semester. The break is so close I could almost taste it, but the thought of a take-home exam, a reaction paper, and a screenplay still waiting to be written cautiously anchors me back to reality.

The other day, a very dear friend of mine lost her mom to cancer. She was a mother to all of us, and it breaks my heart to just think of days actually going by without her - what more her family. I pray for nothing but strength and courage for all of them left behind, the same kind of bravery that their mother exemplified while she was alive. When I attended her wake, my friend told me that her mom tried her best to not complain about her pain - she wanted them to go on about their everyday as if she were not suffering. Suddenly, grumbling about finishing my requirements felt so foolish, so shallow. How do we even justify feeling defeated and overwhelmed when there are so many others in twice as much pain?

There is no room for complaints. At this point, even the thought of whining can take away precious time that could have otherwise been used for other things. However, there should always be a place for gratefulness - that I am physically exhausted and mentally drained because I am learning, that I feel incapable because I am pushing myself to always do better, that I am living alone because my parents care about my convenience, that I have to sacrifice time for leisure for opportunities that may not come knocking back again.

I have to remind myself this every now and then to stop me from ripping my hair out and giving up completely. Even if it means having to blog in the middle of reviewing, just to keep me motivated. Anxiety can make me stay up all night in the strangest of ways, but it's a sudden sense of appreciation that wakes me up in the morning.

The battle's almost won, and we're only several miles from the sun.



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