There's nothing like the Christmas vacation to make me catch-up on my reading list.

It's during sleepless nights like this when I have the strongest desire to drive away to some place and just escape. I want to explore the night, turn up the speakers, take in the city lights, soak myself in the culture. I want to leave with no direction in mind, run away with no plans, go out with uncertainty. I want to be someplace else where I can lurk in the dark, with no one knowing who I am, where I can be someone else other than myself.

I want to read poetry in a dimly lit cafe; to make tangible the words I've written in my journal during my most vulnerable moments. Would they make more sense said out loud, when other ears finally take a hold of them? Or would they shatter into pieces and lose their very essence? I would throw my words to the universe and pray that they come back to me one day after everything else has fallen into their places.

I want to vandalize on walls along main avenues, painting out song lyrics that speak so much about the things we can't normally say. It'd exhilarating, writing them out for all the world to see, and it'd be thrilling, the possibility of getting caught. There would be a curious excitement in me, wondering if there is anyone out there who relates to the song the same way I do.

I want to sit in one corner of a bar with a lively underground band playing songs with mundane words about life and love. I would desperately try to figure them out as I ask the bartender for my third martini. I would then walk upstage voluntarily when they ask if anyone wants to sing along to their cover of The Cure's Pictures of You, only to position myself on the piano and completely upstaging the band.

I want to dance on stage and be a ballerina again. On my toes I'd be doing pirouettes in Swan Lake, swaying gracefully to the music of Tschaikovsky. With only my body as my instrument of interaction, I would weep as Odette with no tears, I would enrage as Odile with no screams. The curtains would rise and fall and in every scene I would be a different persona, traipsing from one end of the emotional spectrum to the other.

I want to feel sand in between my toes as I walk along the shores of the beach. The moon would shine its glow on me, calling me out onto the sea as if I was her daughter. I would dip my feet into the water, resisting the urge to jump in at first but only to find myself giving in to the call of the waves. It would be dark and mysterious but the allure of the unknown would entice me and I would find myself calmed in the ocean.

I want to be somewhere else other than here, to be someone else other than this Karla Bernardo. It's not exactly because my life sucks or anything. In fact, nothing's really wrong. It's just that sometimes it can be very exhausting being myself. I know it's weird but sometimes I can't help but feel that everything is just a front, that this whole sociable, friendly, excited girl is just a consequence of what is expected of me. Tucked deep inside me is a loner, a cynic, a rebel that cries out for her emancipation. I like being who I normally am, but I also want to be out of character at times, with no questions asked, just because.

I just want to escape the monotony for a while.

//

But no, I'm not emo. I'm just sleep-deprived, I guess. Thankfully, not that cash-deprived though. I will be claiming my GSIS check on Tuesday. Hello, financial assistance! Which is why I bought a Christmas gift for myself today. Nothing says Merry Christmas like a new pair of shoes :)


Btw, your questions have been answered. Finally, haha! :)

:)

//

The last two days of school, woooh! Technically I have no classes already until Friday but because it's Eng'g week, then tomorrow would be the Lantern Parade, so of course I'm staying in QC until all the festivities are over. There are so many things going on in school right now, of course I wouldn't want to miss it. Party time, anyone?

Note-to-self: Buy batteries for camera. And actually use the camera. It's already in your freakin' bag, Karla. :)))

Christmas break, you are thissssclose, I can't wait to bask myself in your glory already!

So I'm in our newly airconditioned living room, supposedly finishing a paper for my Philosophy class, but blogging while listening to Chris Martin's melancholy vocals in the Coldplay's version of "Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas." I feel like I'm almost in an ending montage of scenes in a sad Christmas episode of an American TV drama show. Haha.

I feel like sharing another epic quote from last week.

In Philosophy class, we're currently on Rene Descartes' Meditations, or simply put, on the famous I think therefore I am statement. We were discussing the sytem of thought he used to come up with this conclusion, which was to adapt the way of the skeptics. Thus, leading us to his method of doubt.

"Unless you are absolutely certain that a thing is true, you must doubt it."

My first reaction was, "Darn, this could have saved me a lot of heartache if only this came along sooner!" Of course, it's a natural human tendency to try and overanalyze, then put meaning in everything, even if we're not completely sure about it. It's actually a coherent argument: if there is any possibility for something to be false, then doubt it. That way, you won't be deceived. Right?

Then again, would one really want to doubt everything? Is it wise to be suspicious and careful rather than be open and vulnerable?

With what has happened to me during the first semester, this quote makes perfect sense. I should learn my lesson. Maybe I should try being cynical next time because at least only one of two things will happen: either things will go wrong as expected, or things will turn out right and I'd be pleased. It's as if Descartes is preaching me that next time, I shouldn't be letting my guard down that easily because it makes me susceptible to hurt. He's right, I guess. But only up to a point.

Because I'm really not the type of person who can't grant anyone the benefit of the doubt. I wouldn't want to be skeptical about everything and everyone. I don't think it's very practical to be highly dubious all the time. It's so suffocating to always be worrying over things that can just be, anyway. Something about the unknown possibilities makes me always hopeful and optimistic about things. Maybe it's just how I am. I can be skeptical but not all the way.

What do you think?


//


Thirteen days to go. It's that time of the year. Are you feeling it?

Haven't had it this short since Grade 6! How's that for change? So I was kinda depressed. I was so frustrated, something just had to go. It was a spur of the moment decision, but hey, I'm not regretting it. After all, the best revenge is looking good. So, did I win the battle? :))

It's never easy to let go of not only things we cherish but also of things we are used to. We find comfort in the familiarity, and we feel secure in things we have been accustomed to. There's nothing wrong with hanging on to what we are already sure of, what we are okay with -- after all, that's human nature.

But sometimes, it is also refreshing to leave behind emotional baggage that we may feel at home with but are weighing us down. Sometimes, it is important to learn how to release them and chop them off our lives as a way of opening new doors and starting new chapters.


Yes folks, I cut off my hair. The hair I cared for and loved for more than a year. I cut off my waist-length hair because it was dragging me down, literally and figuratively. It reminded me too much of all the unnecessary turmoil that 2009 has caused me. It was difficult -- I think I felt a small shriek from deep inside me when the first few inches were chopped off. But after that was also a sigh of relief. It was like removing all my insecurities, disappointments and frustrations. Because now was the time to let it all go. Finally.

I now look like a 15-year-old again. Yehey?

Oh, the little things one can get from being attentive in class!

Lesson learned: Taking down notes and trying to catch interesting quotes is quite an effective way to stay awake :P

There's nothing like the Christmas vacation to make me catch-up on my reading list.

It's during sleepless nights like this when I have the strongest desire to drive away to some place and just escape. I want to explore the night, turn up the speakers, take in the city lights, soak myself in the culture. I want to leave with no direction in mind, run away with no plans, go out with uncertainty. I want to be someplace else where I can lurk in the dark, with no one knowing who I am, where I can be someone else other than myself.

I want to read poetry in a dimly lit cafe; to make tangible the words I've written in my journal during my most vulnerable moments. Would they make more sense said out loud, when other ears finally take a hold of them? Or would they shatter into pieces and lose their very essence? I would throw my words to the universe and pray that they come back to me one day after everything else has fallen into their places.

I want to vandalize on walls along main avenues, painting out song lyrics that speak so much about the things we can't normally say. It'd exhilarating, writing them out for all the world to see, and it'd be thrilling, the possibility of getting caught. There would be a curious excitement in me, wondering if there is anyone out there who relates to the song the same way I do.

I want to sit in one corner of a bar with a lively underground band playing songs with mundane words about life and love. I would desperately try to figure them out as I ask the bartender for my third martini. I would then walk upstage voluntarily when they ask if anyone wants to sing along to their cover of The Cure's Pictures of You, only to position myself on the piano and completely upstaging the band.

I want to dance on stage and be a ballerina again. On my toes I'd be doing pirouettes in Swan Lake, swaying gracefully to the music of Tschaikovsky. With only my body as my instrument of interaction, I would weep as Odette with no tears, I would enrage as Odile with no screams. The curtains would rise and fall and in every scene I would be a different persona, traipsing from one end of the emotional spectrum to the other.

I want to feel sand in between my toes as I walk along the shores of the beach. The moon would shine its glow on me, calling me out onto the sea as if I was her daughter. I would dip my feet into the water, resisting the urge to jump in at first but only to find myself giving in to the call of the waves. It would be dark and mysterious but the allure of the unknown would entice me and I would find myself calmed in the ocean.

I want to be somewhere else other than here, to be someone else other than this Karla Bernardo. It's not exactly because my life sucks or anything. In fact, nothing's really wrong. It's just that sometimes it can be very exhausting being myself. I know it's weird but sometimes I can't help but feel that everything is just a front, that this whole sociable, friendly, excited girl is just a consequence of what is expected of me. Tucked deep inside me is a loner, a cynic, a rebel that cries out for her emancipation. I like being who I normally am, but I also want to be out of character at times, with no questions asked, just because.

I just want to escape the monotony for a while.

//

But no, I'm not emo. I'm just sleep-deprived, I guess. Thankfully, not that cash-deprived though. I will be claiming my GSIS check on Tuesday. Hello, financial assistance! Which is why I bought a Christmas gift for myself today. Nothing says Merry Christmas like a new pair of shoes :)


Btw, your questions have been answered. Finally, haha! :)

:)

//

The last two days of school, woooh! Technically I have no classes already until Friday but because it's Eng'g week, then tomorrow would be the Lantern Parade, so of course I'm staying in QC until all the festivities are over. There are so many things going on in school right now, of course I wouldn't want to miss it. Party time, anyone?

Note-to-self: Buy batteries for camera. And actually use the camera. It's already in your freakin' bag, Karla. :)))

Christmas break, you are thissssclose, I can't wait to bask myself in your glory already!

So I'm in our newly airconditioned living room, supposedly finishing a paper for my Philosophy class, but blogging while listening to Chris Martin's melancholy vocals in the Coldplay's version of "Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas." I feel like I'm almost in an ending montage of scenes in a sad Christmas episode of an American TV drama show. Haha.

I feel like sharing another epic quote from last week.

In Philosophy class, we're currently on Rene Descartes' Meditations, or simply put, on the famous I think therefore I am statement. We were discussing the sytem of thought he used to come up with this conclusion, which was to adapt the way of the skeptics. Thus, leading us to his method of doubt.

"Unless you are absolutely certain that a thing is true, you must doubt it."

My first reaction was, "Darn, this could have saved me a lot of heartache if only this came along sooner!" Of course, it's a natural human tendency to try and overanalyze, then put meaning in everything, even if we're not completely sure about it. It's actually a coherent argument: if there is any possibility for something to be false, then doubt it. That way, you won't be deceived. Right?

Then again, would one really want to doubt everything? Is it wise to be suspicious and careful rather than be open and vulnerable?

With what has happened to me during the first semester, this quote makes perfect sense. I should learn my lesson. Maybe I should try being cynical next time because at least only one of two things will happen: either things will go wrong as expected, or things will turn out right and I'd be pleased. It's as if Descartes is preaching me that next time, I shouldn't be letting my guard down that easily because it makes me susceptible to hurt. He's right, I guess. But only up to a point.

Because I'm really not the type of person who can't grant anyone the benefit of the doubt. I wouldn't want to be skeptical about everything and everyone. I don't think it's very practical to be highly dubious all the time. It's so suffocating to always be worrying over things that can just be, anyway. Something about the unknown possibilities makes me always hopeful and optimistic about things. Maybe it's just how I am. I can be skeptical but not all the way.

What do you think?


//


Thirteen days to go. It's that time of the year. Are you feeling it?

Haven't had it this short since Grade 6! How's that for change? So I was kinda depressed. I was so frustrated, something just had to go. It was a spur of the moment decision, but hey, I'm not regretting it. After all, the best revenge is looking good. So, did I win the battle? :))

It's never easy to let go of not only things we cherish but also of things we are used to. We find comfort in the familiarity, and we feel secure in things we have been accustomed to. There's nothing wrong with hanging on to what we are already sure of, what we are okay with -- after all, that's human nature.

But sometimes, it is also refreshing to leave behind emotional baggage that we may feel at home with but are weighing us down. Sometimes, it is important to learn how to release them and chop them off our lives as a way of opening new doors and starting new chapters.


Yes folks, I cut off my hair. The hair I cared for and loved for more than a year. I cut off my waist-length hair because it was dragging me down, literally and figuratively. It reminded me too much of all the unnecessary turmoil that 2009 has caused me. It was difficult -- I think I felt a small shriek from deep inside me when the first few inches were chopped off. But after that was also a sigh of relief. It was like removing all my insecurities, disappointments and frustrations. Because now was the time to let it all go. Finally.

I now look like a 15-year-old again. Yehey?

Oh, the little things one can get from being attentive in class!

Lesson learned: Taking down notes and trying to catch interesting quotes is quite an effective way to stay awake :P