Though many times I run from You in shame
I lift my hands and call upon Your name
For underneath the shadow of Your wings
My melody is You - I Seek You For I Thirst
It's so hard. They're always stressed, they're always angry. They're tense. All they ever think about are their grades and their recits. They're not fun to be around.
But what makes it more difficult is that law students will be exposed to so many cases, so many problems, and so much of the world, that they will no longer be the same people. They will change. No one stays the same in law school. It's either they leave you behind or you leave them behind.
- our Crim professor, on being in a relationship with a law student.*
We are such emotional liabilities. Why would anyone want us, again?
(Because yesterday's entry was too sad, and because while eating ube jam I had an epiphany of sorts...)
__
Today is my first day back at the dorm after a long time, and well, I'm starting to get used to the general feeling of being alone again. Not that I haven't been always solo in this room, but well, the start of the new school year just brings me back to a different kind of loneliness, for understandable reasons.
I'm no longer the same person as I was a year ago - that I can own up to now. I've accepted my mistakes and realized where I went wrong. But coming to terms with growing up does not mean there are parts of your former self you can no longer keep. In fact, for everything else that has fallen apart, there is one thing that has remained constant.
I have always believed in the promise of seeing things one day at a time, of slowly getting to a silver lining. Surprisingly, even after everything that has been said, heard, and done, a part of me will always, always believe that it will get better. I don't know how that will happen and what it will take to get there. But it has to.
So many things have happened lately that have drastically changed life in law school as I know it.
Actually, a lot of things happened to me in the last year that changed my life entirely. I don't think there were ever two months that were exactly the same in terms of how I felt, handled and dealt with things. There was always something different, and they weren't just changes at the surface. They were actual and substantial shifts in my point of view, my beliefs, and my convictions.
And after going through all that, have I finally settled into a comfortable, more stable version of myself? Sadly, no. In fact, I still think I'm at my lowest point. Even after everything that I've been through, I still have a long way to go before recovery.
It doesn't help that the environment I'm in only helps foster the demons I've long been trying to fend off. Yes, I'm talking about law school. And yes, even after a year, I'm still somehow convincing myself that I didn't make a mistake.
The thing is, so much that changed about myself and the way I look at things happened when I got here. It can even be said that they happened because I got here. I don't mean to say that I regret being here, or that I am not thankful to be part of this institution. I am. But there are so many things about it (and more particularly, the people in it) that have led me to question the things I thought I was most sure of.
It has brought out everyone's demons. And this is not just about academics. In the last year or so, I've seen how disappointing some people turn out to be after being subjected to this kind of pressure, this kind of weight. It saddens (and angers) me how even the best people can make the most terrible mistakes, just because they feel like they've been driven up the wall. Worst of all, I've seen how it affects the people outside it - the people who matter most to us, and the people who only want to see us happy.
I wish I can welcome the new school year more enthusiastically than this. And well, it's not like I have no reason not to. I have new friends, I've gained a lot of insight, and I've learned to appreciate the little things in life. I've let go of some baggage. But not others, and not completely. There are a lot of things that still need to be fixed, and I think the thought of that is what's weighing me down.
I'm all over the place right now. I wish things were different. But as it is, this is what I have on my plate right now. I just hope I have enough strength to keep wading through, even though I don't exactly know what I'm looking for.
Though many times I run from You in shame
I lift my hands and call upon Your name
For underneath the shadow of Your wings
My melody is You - I Seek You For I Thirst
It's so hard. They're always stressed, they're always angry. They're tense. All they ever think about are their grades and their recits. They're not fun to be around.
But what makes it more difficult is that law students will be exposed to so many cases, so many problems, and so much of the world, that they will no longer be the same people. They will change. No one stays the same in law school. It's either they leave you behind or you leave them behind.
- our Crim professor, on being in a relationship with a law student.*
We are such emotional liabilities. Why would anyone want us, again?
(Because yesterday's entry was too sad, and because while eating ube jam I had an epiphany of sorts...)
__
Today is my first day back at the dorm after a long time, and well, I'm starting to get used to the general feeling of being alone again. Not that I haven't been always solo in this room, but well, the start of the new school year just brings me back to a different kind of loneliness, for understandable reasons.
I'm no longer the same person as I was a year ago - that I can own up to now. I've accepted my mistakes and realized where I went wrong. But coming to terms with growing up does not mean there are parts of your former self you can no longer keep. In fact, for everything else that has fallen apart, there is one thing that has remained constant.
I have always believed in the promise of seeing things one day at a time, of slowly getting to a silver lining. Surprisingly, even after everything that has been said, heard, and done, a part of me will always, always believe that it will get better. I don't know how that will happen and what it will take to get there. But it has to.
So many things have happened lately that have drastically changed life in law school as I know it.
Actually, a lot of things happened to me in the last year that changed my life entirely. I don't think there were ever two months that were exactly the same in terms of how I felt, handled and dealt with things. There was always something different, and they weren't just changes at the surface. They were actual and substantial shifts in my point of view, my beliefs, and my convictions.
And after going through all that, have I finally settled into a comfortable, more stable version of myself? Sadly, no. In fact, I still think I'm at my lowest point. Even after everything that I've been through, I still have a long way to go before recovery.
It doesn't help that the environment I'm in only helps foster the demons I've long been trying to fend off. Yes, I'm talking about law school. And yes, even after a year, I'm still somehow convincing myself that I didn't make a mistake.
The thing is, so much that changed about myself and the way I look at things happened when I got here. It can even be said that they happened because I got here. I don't mean to say that I regret being here, or that I am not thankful to be part of this institution. I am. But there are so many things about it (and more particularly, the people in it) that have led me to question the things I thought I was most sure of.
It has brought out everyone's demons. And this is not just about academics. In the last year or so, I've seen how disappointing some people turn out to be after being subjected to this kind of pressure, this kind of weight. It saddens (and angers) me how even the best people can make the most terrible mistakes, just because they feel like they've been driven up the wall. Worst of all, I've seen how it affects the people outside it - the people who matter most to us, and the people who only want to see us happy.
I wish I can welcome the new school year more enthusiastically than this. And well, it's not like I have no reason not to. I have new friends, I've gained a lot of insight, and I've learned to appreciate the little things in life. I've let go of some baggage. But not others, and not completely. There are a lot of things that still need to be fixed, and I think the thought of that is what's weighing me down.
I'm all over the place right now. I wish things were different. But as it is, this is what I have on my plate right now. I just hope I have enough strength to keep wading through, even though I don't exactly know what I'm looking for.
She's a modern lover; it's an exploration, she's made of outer space
Hello, I'm Karla Bernardo. If you Google my name, you will find the Wikipedia entry of a Canadian serial-killer (and trust me, you do not want
to read about that - but I'm sure you will because now you're curious), which is why I suggest you type Bombastarr instead so you can stalk me better.
I spent eight-and-a-half years of my life in the University of the Philippines, where I graduated with degrees in Creative Writing and Juris Doctor. It is also where I learned how to speak a bit of Italian, got a taste of the best tapsilog, and took striptease for PE.
I love telling stories, as much as I enjoy finding them.
Got a comment, question, violent reaction, love letter, or random piece of information you want to share with me? Just fire away. I don't bite.
(I changed my form and went back to Freedback because Ask.fm's being a bitch, requiring people to sign up for accounts before asking questions. Because I love you guys, I tweaked my ask box a bit, so that the questions will now go directly to my e-mail, but I'll be posting the answers still on my Ask.fm for convenience. TL;DR - I'll still be getting your questions so no worries. You're still free to harass me / send me your love.)
Are you a pornstar? No, I am not a pornstar, stripper, or your friendly neighborhood call girl. It's just a fancy pseudonym with a long history, and two R's. Rawr.
Bombastarr.com
Bombastarr is my personal blog and my little corner in the Internet since 2005. Yes, I started writing here when I was 13 years old (aka when I was very angsty, hormonal, and always gushing at the littlest things) -- ergo, you'd have to forgive me if you come across an old post that reeks of immaturity and slightly unpolished grammar. I did a lot of growing up here, and from the looks of it, there's still a lot of growing up to do, so I don't think I'll be leaving this place any time soon.
The domain, Bombastarr.com, was purchased on June 2014 and
launched on July 2014, on the blog's ninth year (and fifth month, to be exact).
It's crazy to think that this blog is now thirteen years old, because (1) that seems like an eternity in internet years, and (2) that means if my blog were a kid, it's a teenager! That's insane.
Here's to more tales, explosive and otherwise.
So, why Bombastarr?
If you've been living under a rock and think I'm a threat to world peace or an object of covetousness, sorry to disappoint you, folks: it's just a fancy pseudonym.
As in most things, it started in high school. It began as a joke between me and a couple of friends during our freshman year. We were practicing for a field demonstration dance which involved the use of shawls, and being the crazy-always-trying-to-be-funny person that I was (or I always attempted to be) I started doing poses with the garment. Someone started taking my picture using my phone, and one shot looked like I was posing for those B-list movies (or should it be R-list, as in R-rated?) of the vegetable-nomenclature variety. #IKYWIM. Hence, the word, "Bombastarr." Yes, very cheeky, I know, but for a 13-year-old, it was quirky enough to figure as a username. That was 2005, right around the time I trying to decide on a URL for a new blog. It's been a lot of years since, and what started as a joke became something I've eventually embraced as an identity.
Despite the many other chances I've gotten to permanently move (to Multiply, Livejournal, Tumblr, Wordpress; to a bigger platform where I can earn or use the blog as a venue for commerce), I've come to realize that Bombastarr is something I can never truly leave behind. It is a place I've grown to appreciate and love because it is a place I can call my own. It's a venue for my rants, my views, my writing. It is home, and it is who I am.
Bombastarr is a glimpse of my life: the thoughts, ideas, and stories that shape it into what it is, and what it will still become. This journal has been with me for all my crazy, often embarrassing adventures, but I'm sure there will be more anecdotes and feelings and people to write about. Which is something I'm really looking forward to. After all, you know what they say about the greatest stories - sometimes, there's still a lot that's left unwritten.
Credits and thank you's
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