So it begins again.

It's back to the battlefield that is law school once more for me.

The beginnings of new semesters usually elicit feelings of excitement, but the whole debacle of last semester kind of ruined it all for me. While I'm still thrilled about the idea of buying new pens and filling up new notebooks, there;s this undeniable feeling of dread that this semester is just going to be as tiring and demanding as the previous one, if not more. There is still also this fear, that perhaps there is something in me that I have lost permanently after having experienced such emotional and mental exhaustion. Sure, I don't doubt that I am going to be okay again eventually, and the idea of recovery is becoming clearer in my head now. But at the back of my mind, I think a part of me has embraced the pessimism that found its way into my system some time back. I was never like this. I was never the kind of girl that gave up on anything before I even got the chance to start it. I was never the type to push people away, just because I'm terrified. Yet, I also don't think it's something I can turn off just like that after everything that's happened - it's the natural consequence of it all, I guess.

I feel like for the first time though, I really am welcoming this new semester as a different person. I am seeing things with new eyes this time - perhaps no longer with colored glasses, but not with completely shattered ones either. It is overwhelming, for many reasons, but mostly just because there is this expectation that I know better now, that I can make better choices now, given all that has happened. In theory, I suppose that's right. But I'm still scared. I have to admit that.

At this point I'm already tired of saying it. And I'm sure people are tired of hearing it too. But it's there, the fear. I can't make it go away just yet. But I'm trying. Every day I wake up, every single time I get myself off the bed, that's me trying.

I won't promise myself anything big this semester. I don't need bold declarations of "I'm going to rock this sem!" or "This is going to be my semester, watch out!" Nothing about that false kind of confidence comforts me now - in fact, it only makes me feel the gaping hole between appearances and actual feelings. So when people ask me what's the game plan, I just shrug and say, "Let's see." Because other than the fact that that's all there is to it, I also don't know what's there for me. I am not looking forward to anything. I have no idea if I can survive ObliCon, I'm not even sure if I deserve to be in Crim 2 (our Crim 1 grades aren't out still), I can't tell if I'm ready to let people in again... I really do not know.

All I know is that I have this semester. And all that I want it to be is a blank page - not a continuation of the past, not an entirely different chapter either. Just a blank page.

As far as new beginnings go, I think I'm okay with that.

So it begins again.

It's back to the battlefield that is law school once more for me.

The beginnings of new semesters usually elicit feelings of excitement, but the whole debacle of last semester kind of ruined it all for me. While I'm still thrilled about the idea of buying new pens and filling up new notebooks, there;s this undeniable feeling of dread that this semester is just going to be as tiring and demanding as the previous one, if not more. There is still also this fear, that perhaps there is something in me that I have lost permanently after having experienced such emotional and mental exhaustion. Sure, I don't doubt that I am going to be okay again eventually, and the idea of recovery is becoming clearer in my head now. But at the back of my mind, I think a part of me has embraced the pessimism that found its way into my system some time back. I was never like this. I was never the kind of girl that gave up on anything before I even got the chance to start it. I was never the type to push people away, just because I'm terrified. Yet, I also don't think it's something I can turn off just like that after everything that's happened - it's the natural consequence of it all, I guess.

I feel like for the first time though, I really am welcoming this new semester as a different person. I am seeing things with new eyes this time - perhaps no longer with colored glasses, but not with completely shattered ones either. It is overwhelming, for many reasons, but mostly just because there is this expectation that I know better now, that I can make better choices now, given all that has happened. In theory, I suppose that's right. But I'm still scared. I have to admit that.

At this point I'm already tired of saying it. And I'm sure people are tired of hearing it too. But it's there, the fear. I can't make it go away just yet. But I'm trying. Every day I wake up, every single time I get myself off the bed, that's me trying.

I won't promise myself anything big this semester. I don't need bold declarations of "I'm going to rock this sem!" or "This is going to be my semester, watch out!" Nothing about that false kind of confidence comforts me now - in fact, it only makes me feel the gaping hole between appearances and actual feelings. So when people ask me what's the game plan, I just shrug and say, "Let's see." Because other than the fact that that's all there is to it, I also don't know what's there for me. I am not looking forward to anything. I have no idea if I can survive ObliCon, I'm not even sure if I deserve to be in Crim 2 (our Crim 1 grades aren't out still), I can't tell if I'm ready to let people in again... I really do not know.

All I know is that I have this semester. And all that I want it to be is a blank page - not a continuation of the past, not an entirely different chapter either. Just a blank page.

As far as new beginnings go, I think I'm okay with that.

Hello, I'm Karla Bernardo. If you Google my name, you will find the Wikipedia entry of a Canadian serial-killer (and trust me, you do not want to read about that - but I'm sure you will because now you're curious), which is why I suggest you type Bombastarr instead so you can stalk me better.

I spent eight-and-a-half years of my life in the University of the Philippines, where I graduated with degrees in Creative Writing and Juris Doctor. It is also where I learned how to speak a bit of Italian, got a taste of the best tapsilog, and took striptease for PE.

I love telling stories, as much as I enjoy finding them.

<center><font style="color: #ffffff;">____</font>Want <a href="http://www.blogger.com/profile/09096636074047764491">more</a>?</center><br>

Featured Works

Stargirl (Cover story for Nadine Lustre, Scout, January-February 2017)
Surreal / So Real (at Scout)
Ode to a Great Love's 17-year-old Self (Love.Life, Philippine Daily Inquirer)
Postcard from Diliman (Youngblood, Philippine Daily Inquirer)

Writer for Philippine Law Register
A Call to Arms (January 2017)
Expecting the Expected (March 2016)

Former Writer for Stache Magazine
The Hero's Journey (June 2013)
The 8 People You Become In Your Youth (June 2013)
The Best Bad Idea That Is Argo (April 2013)
Mike Ross Remembers Everything You Don't (August 2012)
Style Between the Riffs (August 2012)
Book Lovers Never Sleep Alone (June 2012)
A Spectrum of Change (December 2011)
Digital Art (October 2011)
Elements of Style (June 2011)
In Her White Dress (All-Art April 2011 issue)

Morning After Pill (Fervore: Literary Folio 2013, UP Portia Sorority)
How To Make a Blueberry Cheesecake (Kalas: Kalasag Literary Folio 2011, UP College of Arts and Letters)
January 14th (100: The Hundreds Project, UP Writer's Club)

An Ode to The Pillow Book (at New-Slang)
Introductions (at TeenInk)
One by One (at TeenInk)

   

Recently

the end where i begin
On My Bedside Table: A birthday edition
twenty-one years to an alphabet
The semester that was.
Hello, sembreak!
Koi no yokan
The voice inside my head
But loving him was red.
Can you file a motion for preliminary injunction
The bed is unmade, like everything is.

This Is How It Doesn't Start

this is how it doesn't start, in eleven parts

Labels

An attempt at poetry; Books; Bullets; Creative nonfiction; CW; Featured; Feeble attempts at poetry; Fiction; Finger exercises; Law school; Mixtape; Playwriting; Poetry; Senioritis; Shuffle Wednesdays; Summer; The Pillow Book; Thesis; UP

Archives

February 2005; March 2005; April 2005; May 2005; June 2005; July 2005; August 2005; September 2005; October 2005; November 2005; December 2005; January 2006; February 2006; March 2006; April 2006; May 2006; June 2006; July 2006; August 2006; September 2006; October 2006; November 2006; December 2006; January 2007; March 2007; April 2007; May 2007; June 2007; July 2007; August 2007; October 2007; November 2007; December 2007; January 2008; February 2008; March 2008; April 2008; May 2008; June 2008; July 2008; August 2008; September 2008; October 2008; November 2008; December 2008; January 2009; February 2009; March 2009; April 2009; May 2009; June 2009; July 2009; August 2009; September 2009; October 2009; November 2009; December 2009; January 2010; February 2010; March 2010; April 2010; May 2010; June 2010; July 2010; August 2010; September 2010; October 2010; November 2010; December 2010; January 2011; February 2011; March 2011; April 2011; May 2011; June 2011; July 2011; August 2011; September 2011; October 2011; November 2011; December 2011; January 2012; February 2012; March 2012; April 2012; May 2012; June 2012; July 2012; August 2012; September 2012; October 2012; November 2012; December 2012; January 2013; February 2013; March 2013; April 2013; May 2013; June 2013; July 2013; August 2013; September 2013; October 2013; November 2013; December 2013; January 2014; February 2014; March 2014; April 2014; May 2014; June 2014; July 2014; August 2014; September 2014; October 2014; November 2014; December 2014; January 2015; February 2015; March 2015; April 2015; May 2015; June 2015; July 2015; August 2015; September 2015; October 2015; November 2015; December 2015; January 2016; February 2016; March 2016; April 2016; May 2016; June 2016; July 2016; August 2016; September 2016; October 2016; November 2016; December 2016; January 2017; March 2017; April 2017; May 2017; June 2017; July 2017; August 2017; September 2017; November 2017; December 2017; March 2018; April 2018; May 2018; June 2018; September 2018; October 2018; November 2018; December 2018; January 2019; February 2019; March 2019; April 2019;

Got a comment, question, violent reaction, love letter, or random piece of information you want to share with me? Just fire away. I don't bite.

(I changed my form and went back to Freedback because Ask.fm's being a bitch, requiring people to sign up for accounts before asking questions. Because I love you guys, I tweaked my ask box a bit, so that the questions will now go directly to my e-mail, but I'll be posting the answers still on my Ask.fm for convenience. TL;DR - I'll still be getting your questions so no worries. You're still free to harass me / send me your love.)

Answers

Most Frequently Asked Question

Are you a pornstar?
No, I am not a pornstar, stripper, or your friendly neighborhood call girl. It's just a fancy pseudonym with a long history, and two R's. Rawr.

Bombastarr is my personal blog and my little corner in the Internet since 2005. Yes, I started writing here when I was 13 years old (aka when I was very angsty, hormonal, and always gushing at the littlest things) -- ergo, you'd have to forgive me if you come across an old post that reeks of immaturity and slightly unpolished grammar. I did a lot of growing up here, and from the looks of it, there's still a lot of growing up to do, so I don't think I'll be leaving this place any time soon.

The domain, Bombastarr.com, was purchased on June 2014 and launched on July 2014, on the blog's ninth year (and fifth month, to be exact).

It's crazy to think that this blog is now thirteen years old, because (1) that seems like an eternity in internet years, and (2) that means if my blog were a kid, it's a teenager! That's insane.

Here's to more tales, explosive and otherwise.

If you've been living under a rock and think I'm a threat to world peace or an object of covetousness, sorry to disappoint you, folks: it's just a fancy pseudonym.

As in most things, it started in high school. It began as a joke between me and a couple of friends during our freshman year. We were practicing for a field demonstration dance which involved the use of shawls, and being the crazy-always-trying-to-be-funny person that I was (or I always attempted to be) I started doing poses with the garment. Someone started taking my picture using my phone, and one shot looked like I was posing for those B-list movies (or should it be R-list, as in R-rated?) of the vegetable-nomenclature variety. #IKYWIM. Hence, the word, "Bombastarr." Yes, very cheeky, I know, but for a 13-year-old, it was quirky enough to figure as a username. That was 2005, right around the time I trying to decide on a URL for a new blog. It's been a lot of years since, and what started as a joke became something I've eventually embraced as an identity.

Despite the many other chances I've gotten to permanently move (to Multiply, Livejournal, Tumblr, Wordpress; to a bigger platform where I can earn or use the blog as a venue for commerce), I've come to realize that Bombastarr is something I can never truly leave behind. It is a place I've grown to appreciate and love because it is a place I can call my own. It's a venue for my rants, my views, my writing. It is home, and it is who I am.

Bombastarr is a glimpse of my life: the thoughts, ideas, and stories that shape it into what it is, and what it will still become. This journal has been with me for all my crazy, often embarrassing adventures, but I'm sure there will be more anecdotes and feelings and people to write about. Which is something I'm really looking forward to. After all, you know what they say about the greatest stories - sometimes, there's still a lot that's left unwritten.

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