anagrams, for distraction. as if arranging them differently would change what they mean. i, in rare. in air-raid deviant.
bacon, and bringing it home. bravery, a box of it. birthday candles to welcome a new year, not fireworks.
collusion, by the cosmos and a car. a city it is.
dark, and that which comes after it. #
endings, entrances. enlightenment entwined in exhaustion.
fears. of a five, a failure, forevers unrealized.
gravy fix.
how he met their mother, and other such jitters left untouched.
i.
justiciable questions, or lack thereof.
kurls, an anticipation for new beginnings. krispy kreme, and the company of new friends.
learning. labels. love. law. loss, of all kinds.
montages of moments and memories, for when songs play in the background. mind games.
nomads, we all are. "we can't make homes out of human beings."
opening sequences to new episodes. oreos, as omens.
pancakes, of the blueberry variety. present tenses to past, future to present.
quietness, the kind carried around in hushed sighs and empty stares.
rage against the machine that took him away. resistance. reconciliation, or an attempt for one. red.
shooting stars, and the affirmation of quiet tuesday nights by the pool.
turning twenty-one. todays and tomorrows, tangential.
unfinished we are, uncertain i am, unfolding, it all is.
vagueness, vacancies, visions.
why. why me, why not me, why this, why now.
exits exist.
yesterdays
zoom out.


__


So.. hello, 21.

These last few months have definitely been the most difficult I've had so far. That's probably the biggest understatement of the year. I expected law school to be nothing like my undergrad, sure, but I did not realize how tough it would be on me, mentally, physically, and emotionally.

I started law school in a bad place. I just came from a break up literally a few days before school began, and I was feeling so insecure about myself (Am I not pretty enough? Not smart enough? etc etc). I realize now that that is the worst state to be in upon entering law school, because law school will do nothing but make you feel insecure about yourself. I had all these classmates who were cum laudes and magna cum laudes, who got into exchange student programs abroad, and who were active in their orgs and student politics. They all had something going for themselves, something that prepared them better for the study of law. Somehow, my background in literature just did not seem enough.

And on most days, it really wasn't. Just because I had a higher tolerance for lots of readings did not make things any easier for me. In fact, sometimes it just made things worse. When I read short stories or poetry for class, I took the time to take them all in: the characters, the plot, the setting. I tried to do the same for the cases - I tried conjuring up the stories in my head to make them interesting. It worked for the first few weeks. But the amount of cases just kept on piling up that I had no time to completely absorb everything. I had to resort to just skimming through them, or just reading the digests, or worse, skipping them altogether. It seemed like a bad idea, but on some days, I had no other choice.

The recitations took the most time to get used to. Aside from the initial oddness of having to stand up while you recite (something we never did in undergrad), what's worse about the recits is that you are always on the spot. And it almost usually is a one-shot deal. It's either you know the answer to the question or you don't. It's either you get it or you don't. It's either you read it or you didn't. Professors do not always give you a second chance, and even if they do, it does not take away the failure of your first one. The pressure is always there - in class, you never know when you're getting called and how long you're going to be reciting. Some profs ask just one case, while others let you recite for the entire period. It's tough, because professors usually give the highest percentage in the course grade for recits - and of course, no one wants to give a bad impression. But of course, that's bound to happen, sooner or later. It's just a matter of how well you can recover.

The exams, however, are a different creature altogether. I won't go into any more detail, because quite frankly, they really are just one-part MCQs and one-part essay. Nothing new there. But just to give you an idea of what we had to suffer for an entire week (and actually more, if you count the preparations): We only had one exam per day, but each exam lasted from 1:00 to 8:00 pm. Yep. Seven hours.

More than the recitations and exams though, it's the everyday grind that proved most difficult and exhausting. Every single night, we had to read cases and understand them down to the last detail. We had to give up meeting up with friends to prepare for class. At some point, we even had to give up social networking (yep, I deactivated my Facebook for a time), if only to be able to say that all our focus is on acads and acads alone. It was tough. There were days where I would just wake up in the wee hours of the morning, panicking because I spent precious time sleeping when I could have been reading. All my money went to readings. I had no time nor energy to deal with stuff other than law school. I couldn't afford to.

But at the same time, all I wanted to do was escape. For the most part of the semester, I found myself asking if I really wanted this. If this place was only making me miserable, beating up my ego every day and making me feel like the most stupid person I know, then is it worth it? Is it worth the trouble if I don't really enjoy it that much? I thought I wanted to be a lawyer for the longest time - but now that I got in, I started questioning if this was really something I saw myself doing for the rest of my life. I wanted so badly to just go back to the way things were - back when I was in CAL and literary criticism took up most of my time, back when I read and wrote about stories that interested me and that I actually liked. I wanted to feel affirmed and validated again, because every day, law school just found ways to make me question my faith in myself. Every single day.

My blockmates are the probably the biggest factors to the equation. I will never tire of saying how grateful I am to have been in Block D. I always thought that law school would be a highly competitive place, to the point that it will get unhealthy. And considering the number of intelligent people in our class, one would think there can be no room for friends. But the thing about our block is we never feel the need to compete with each other. At least I don't. In fact, it only encourages me to do better. More than that however, I'm glad that we can say we really are good friends. We just click. We get each other. It's the kind of comfort that one truly needs in law school. The amount of ego-bruising we have to go through everyday can only be healed by a certain degree of familiarity and togetherness - and I'm glad our block has that. I can say the same for my group of friends too. There are times where we spent almost all our waking hours together, to the point of clinginess, I guess. But it's comforting on so many levels to just have people who understand you completely, and who believe in what you are capable of. I could not imagine surviving law school without a solid, steady, support group.




Now we're here, at the end of the semester, and I still can't say if I'm over all those insecurities. I probably never will be, not any time soon. (Waiting for the release of our grades isn't helping at all.) But, I guess, for all the difficulties that I've experienced in the last four months or so, I can truly, honestly say, that I did surprise myself quite a lot too. The fact that I've been so down and so depressed only made me realize how there's no other way to go but up. I challenged myself more than I ever did. I pushed myself to work harder. I convinced myself that I was still good enough and smart enough (and yeah, pretty enough, despite all the eyebags) - because I am still here, am I not? Despite all the anxiety and tension, I've managed to pull myself out of bed every single day. And maybe for now, that should be enough. I don't need to be good at it - I just need to feel that it's something that I can take on myself.

My mom was right. Law school may have knocked out the confidence in me, but it also gave me something to fight for. And perhaps this is just what I needed: a struggle not against anyone, but against myself. The first sem is only the beginning of four years of failure and stress. But I have to learn to believe again: that I can do it, that I can rise above this, that I am going to make it through. Even if it's only one day at a time.


First semester, I cannot be more glad that you are over. But I also cannot be more thankful. Here's to looking forward to the next one. (P.S. Please be kinder.)


__

Labels: block D, law school

I've said this before, but I don't mind saying it again and again: One of the things I'm most thankful for in the last few months is that I've met some of the smartest and most awesome people I know in Block D. I can't stress how much I love being in this block. One would think that law school breeds only contempt and competition but, no, for some odd reason, we all just click.

We're Tagaytay-bound in a while. I can't wait! We definitely all deserve this so, so much. :)

Sembreak, let's get it on!
(corollary: Birthday week, let's get it oooon!)


__

Labels: block D, law school

Koi No Yokan is a truly beautiful concept. It can be defined as the sense one can have upon first meeting another person that the two of them are going to fall in love. In other words, it is the knowledge one has that he/she is going to fall in love with another person. This differs from the idea “love at first sight” in that it does not imply that the feeling of love exists, rather it refers to the knowledge that a future love is inevitable.

(Untranslateable Words; High Tower Flashes)

I decided to be kind to myself this morning and listened to the new singles from Deftones' upcoming album, Koi No Yokan. I've been wondering for a while now what that title meant, but I've never really gotten around to searching for it. Until today.

Koi no yokan. Isn't it such an overwhelmingly beautiful concept? The idea of just... knowing?



(And now back to Persons.)

that doubts what I can do and what I am capable of - well, it's gotten louder and louder the last few weeks. I feel like I've lost the ability to believe in the lucidity of my decisions lately. And while there's this other voice that tells me, No, you're doing the right thing, the other one just keeps going, What's the point? 

And that scares me. Because I want it to have a point. I know everything has a point. So why can't I see it yet?


(This is my Karla vs. Consti: The Final Showdown fears speaking at 4:40 am.)

But loving him was red.

...against feelings?

anagrams, for distraction. as if arranging them differently would change what they mean. i, in rare. in air-raid deviant.
bacon, and bringing it home. bravery, a box of it. birthday candles to welcome a new year, not fireworks.
collusion, by the cosmos and a car. a city it is.
dark, and that which comes after it. #
endings, entrances. enlightenment entwined in exhaustion.
fears. of a five, a failure, forevers unrealized.
gravy fix.
how he met their mother, and other such jitters left untouched.
i.
justiciable questions, or lack thereof.
kurls, an anticipation for new beginnings. krispy kreme, and the company of new friends.
learning. labels. love. law. loss, of all kinds.
montages of moments and memories, for when songs play in the background. mind games.
nomads, we all are. "we can't make homes out of human beings."
opening sequences to new episodes. oreos, as omens.
pancakes, of the blueberry variety. present tenses to past, future to present.
quietness, the kind carried around in hushed sighs and empty stares.
rage against the machine that took him away. resistance. reconciliation, or an attempt for one. red.
shooting stars, and the affirmation of quiet tuesday nights by the pool.
turning twenty-one. todays and tomorrows, tangential.
unfinished we are, uncertain i am, unfolding, it all is.
vagueness, vacancies, visions.
why. why me, why not me, why this, why now.
exits exist.
yesterdays
zoom out.


__


So.. hello, 21.

These last few months have definitely been the most difficult I've had so far. That's probably the biggest understatement of the year. I expected law school to be nothing like my undergrad, sure, but I did not realize how tough it would be on me, mentally, physically, and emotionally.

I started law school in a bad place. I just came from a break up literally a few days before school began, and I was feeling so insecure about myself (Am I not pretty enough? Not smart enough? etc etc). I realize now that that is the worst state to be in upon entering law school, because law school will do nothing but make you feel insecure about yourself. I had all these classmates who were cum laudes and magna cum laudes, who got into exchange student programs abroad, and who were active in their orgs and student politics. They all had something going for themselves, something that prepared them better for the study of law. Somehow, my background in literature just did not seem enough.

And on most days, it really wasn't. Just because I had a higher tolerance for lots of readings did not make things any easier for me. In fact, sometimes it just made things worse. When I read short stories or poetry for class, I took the time to take them all in: the characters, the plot, the setting. I tried to do the same for the cases - I tried conjuring up the stories in my head to make them interesting. It worked for the first few weeks. But the amount of cases just kept on piling up that I had no time to completely absorb everything. I had to resort to just skimming through them, or just reading the digests, or worse, skipping them altogether. It seemed like a bad idea, but on some days, I had no other choice.

The recitations took the most time to get used to. Aside from the initial oddness of having to stand up while you recite (something we never did in undergrad), what's worse about the recits is that you are always on the spot. And it almost usually is a one-shot deal. It's either you know the answer to the question or you don't. It's either you get it or you don't. It's either you read it or you didn't. Professors do not always give you a second chance, and even if they do, it does not take away the failure of your first one. The pressure is always there - in class, you never know when you're getting called and how long you're going to be reciting. Some profs ask just one case, while others let you recite for the entire period. It's tough, because professors usually give the highest percentage in the course grade for recits - and of course, no one wants to give a bad impression. But of course, that's bound to happen, sooner or later. It's just a matter of how well you can recover.

The exams, however, are a different creature altogether. I won't go into any more detail, because quite frankly, they really are just one-part MCQs and one-part essay. Nothing new there. But just to give you an idea of what we had to suffer for an entire week (and actually more, if you count the preparations): We only had one exam per day, but each exam lasted from 1:00 to 8:00 pm. Yep. Seven hours.

More than the recitations and exams though, it's the everyday grind that proved most difficult and exhausting. Every single night, we had to read cases and understand them down to the last detail. We had to give up meeting up with friends to prepare for class. At some point, we even had to give up social networking (yep, I deactivated my Facebook for a time), if only to be able to say that all our focus is on acads and acads alone. It was tough. There were days where I would just wake up in the wee hours of the morning, panicking because I spent precious time sleeping when I could have been reading. All my money went to readings. I had no time nor energy to deal with stuff other than law school. I couldn't afford to.

But at the same time, all I wanted to do was escape. For the most part of the semester, I found myself asking if I really wanted this. If this place was only making me miserable, beating up my ego every day and making me feel like the most stupid person I know, then is it worth it? Is it worth the trouble if I don't really enjoy it that much? I thought I wanted to be a lawyer for the longest time - but now that I got in, I started questioning if this was really something I saw myself doing for the rest of my life. I wanted so badly to just go back to the way things were - back when I was in CAL and literary criticism took up most of my time, back when I read and wrote about stories that interested me and that I actually liked. I wanted to feel affirmed and validated again, because every day, law school just found ways to make me question my faith in myself. Every single day.

My blockmates are the probably the biggest factors to the equation. I will never tire of saying how grateful I am to have been in Block D. I always thought that law school would be a highly competitive place, to the point that it will get unhealthy. And considering the number of intelligent people in our class, one would think there can be no room for friends. But the thing about our block is we never feel the need to compete with each other. At least I don't. In fact, it only encourages me to do better. More than that however, I'm glad that we can say we really are good friends. We just click. We get each other. It's the kind of comfort that one truly needs in law school. The amount of ego-bruising we have to go through everyday can only be healed by a certain degree of familiarity and togetherness - and I'm glad our block has that. I can say the same for my group of friends too. There are times where we spent almost all our waking hours together, to the point of clinginess, I guess. But it's comforting on so many levels to just have people who understand you completely, and who believe in what you are capable of. I could not imagine surviving law school without a solid, steady, support group.




Now we're here, at the end of the semester, and I still can't say if I'm over all those insecurities. I probably never will be, not any time soon. (Waiting for the release of our grades isn't helping at all.) But, I guess, for all the difficulties that I've experienced in the last four months or so, I can truly, honestly say, that I did surprise myself quite a lot too. The fact that I've been so down and so depressed only made me realize how there's no other way to go but up. I challenged myself more than I ever did. I pushed myself to work harder. I convinced myself that I was still good enough and smart enough (and yeah, pretty enough, despite all the eyebags) - because I am still here, am I not? Despite all the anxiety and tension, I've managed to pull myself out of bed every single day. And maybe for now, that should be enough. I don't need to be good at it - I just need to feel that it's something that I can take on myself.

My mom was right. Law school may have knocked out the confidence in me, but it also gave me something to fight for. And perhaps this is just what I needed: a struggle not against anyone, but against myself. The first sem is only the beginning of four years of failure and stress. But I have to learn to believe again: that I can do it, that I can rise above this, that I am going to make it through. Even if it's only one day at a time.


First semester, I cannot be more glad that you are over. But I also cannot be more thankful. Here's to looking forward to the next one. (P.S. Please be kinder.)


__

Labels: block D, law school

I've said this before, but I don't mind saying it again and again: One of the things I'm most thankful for in the last few months is that I've met some of the smartest and most awesome people I know in Block D. I can't stress how much I love being in this block. One would think that law school breeds only contempt and competition but, no, for some odd reason, we all just click.

We're Tagaytay-bound in a while. I can't wait! We definitely all deserve this so, so much. :)

Sembreak, let's get it on!
(corollary: Birthday week, let's get it oooon!)


__

Labels: block D, law school

Koi No Yokan is a truly beautiful concept. It can be defined as the sense one can have upon first meeting another person that the two of them are going to fall in love. In other words, it is the knowledge one has that he/she is going to fall in love with another person. This differs from the idea “love at first sight” in that it does not imply that the feeling of love exists, rather it refers to the knowledge that a future love is inevitable.

(Untranslateable Words; High Tower Flashes)

I decided to be kind to myself this morning and listened to the new singles from Deftones' upcoming album, Koi No Yokan. I've been wondering for a while now what that title meant, but I've never really gotten around to searching for it. Until today.

Koi no yokan. Isn't it such an overwhelmingly beautiful concept? The idea of just... knowing?



(And now back to Persons.)

that doubts what I can do and what I am capable of - well, it's gotten louder and louder the last few weeks. I feel like I've lost the ability to believe in the lucidity of my decisions lately. And while there's this other voice that tells me, No, you're doing the right thing, the other one just keeps going, What's the point? 

And that scares me. Because I want it to have a point. I know everything has a point. So why can't I see it yet?


(This is my Karla vs. Consti: The Final Showdown fears speaking at 4:40 am.)

But loving him was red.

...against feelings?

Hello, I'm Karla Bernardo. If you Google my name, you will find the Wikipedia entry of a Canadian serial-killer (and trust me, you do not want to read about that - but I'm sure you will because now you're curious), which is why I suggest you type Bombastarr instead so you can stalk me better.

I spent eight-and-a-half years of my life in the University of the Philippines, where I graduated with degrees in Creative Writing and Juris Doctor. It is also where I learned how to speak a bit of Italian, got a taste of the best tapsilog, and took striptease for PE.

I love telling stories, as much as I enjoy finding them.

<center><font style="color: #ffffff;">____</font>Want <a href="http://www.blogger.com/profile/09096636074047764491">more</a>?</center><br>

Featured Works

Stargirl (Cover story for Nadine Lustre, Scout, January-February 2017)
Surreal / So Real (at Scout)
Ode to a Great Love's 17-year-old Self (Love.Life, Philippine Daily Inquirer)
Postcard from Diliman (Youngblood, Philippine Daily Inquirer)

Writer for Philippine Law Register
A Call to Arms (January 2017)
Expecting the Expected (March 2016)

Former Writer for Stache Magazine
The Hero's Journey (June 2013)
The 8 People You Become In Your Youth (June 2013)
The Best Bad Idea That Is Argo (April 2013)
Mike Ross Remembers Everything You Don't (August 2012)
Style Between the Riffs (August 2012)
Book Lovers Never Sleep Alone (June 2012)
A Spectrum of Change (December 2011)
Digital Art (October 2011)
Elements of Style (June 2011)
In Her White Dress (All-Art April 2011 issue)

Morning After Pill (Fervore: Literary Folio 2013, UP Portia Sorority)
How To Make a Blueberry Cheesecake (Kalas: Kalasag Literary Folio 2011, UP College of Arts and Letters)
January 14th (100: The Hundreds Project, UP Writer's Club)

An Ode to The Pillow Book (at New-Slang)
Introductions (at TeenInk)
One by One (at TeenInk)

   

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This Is How It Doesn't Start

this is how it doesn't start, in eleven parts

Labels

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Got a comment, question, violent reaction, love letter, or random piece of information you want to share with me? Just fire away. I don't bite.

(I changed my form and went back to Freedback because Ask.fm's being a bitch, requiring people to sign up for accounts before asking questions. Because I love you guys, I tweaked my ask box a bit, so that the questions will now go directly to my e-mail, but I'll be posting the answers still on my Ask.fm for convenience. TL;DR - I'll still be getting your questions so no worries. You're still free to harass me / send me your love.)

Answers

Most Frequently Asked Question

Are you a pornstar?
No, I am not a pornstar, stripper, or your friendly neighborhood call girl. It's just a fancy pseudonym with a long history, and two R's. Rawr.

Bombastarr is my personal blog and my little corner in the Internet since 2005. Yes, I started writing here when I was 13 years old (aka when I was very angsty, hormonal, and always gushing at the littlest things) -- ergo, you'd have to forgive me if you come across an old post that reeks of immaturity and slightly unpolished grammar. I did a lot of growing up here, and from the looks of it, there's still a lot of growing up to do, so I don't think I'll be leaving this place any time soon.

The domain, Bombastarr.com, was purchased on June 2014 and launched on July 2014, on the blog's ninth year (and fifth month, to be exact).

It's crazy to think that this blog is now thirteen years old, because (1) that seems like an eternity in internet years, and (2) that means if my blog were a kid, it's a teenager! That's insane.

Here's to more tales, explosive and otherwise.

If you've been living under a rock and think I'm a threat to world peace or an object of covetousness, sorry to disappoint you, folks: it's just a fancy pseudonym.

As in most things, it started in high school. It began as a joke between me and a couple of friends during our freshman year. We were practicing for a field demonstration dance which involved the use of shawls, and being the crazy-always-trying-to-be-funny person that I was (or I always attempted to be) I started doing poses with the garment. Someone started taking my picture using my phone, and one shot looked like I was posing for those B-list movies (or should it be R-list, as in R-rated?) of the vegetable-nomenclature variety. #IKYWIM. Hence, the word, "Bombastarr." Yes, very cheeky, I know, but for a 13-year-old, it was quirky enough to figure as a username. That was 2005, right around the time I trying to decide on a URL for a new blog. It's been a lot of years since, and what started as a joke became something I've eventually embraced as an identity.

Despite the many other chances I've gotten to permanently move (to Multiply, Livejournal, Tumblr, Wordpress; to a bigger platform where I can earn or use the blog as a venue for commerce), I've come to realize that Bombastarr is something I can never truly leave behind. It is a place I've grown to appreciate and love because it is a place I can call my own. It's a venue for my rants, my views, my writing. It is home, and it is who I am.

Bombastarr is a glimpse of my life: the thoughts, ideas, and stories that shape it into what it is, and what it will still become. This journal has been with me for all my crazy, often embarrassing adventures, but I'm sure there will be more anecdotes and feelings and people to write about. Which is something I'm really looking forward to. After all, you know what they say about the greatest stories - sometimes, there's still a lot that's left unwritten.

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