home           about           blog           archives           domain           exits           ask
 

(sub)conscious

April 26, 2010    |    0 COMMENT(S)

I lie awake, riffs floating in between my ears, colds stifled inside nostrils, thoughts smothered for later. It was lethargic how the night went on without a wink of sleep paying me a visit. How odd it felt to stare at the shadows on the ceiling, tossing and turning around in bed, adjusting the electric fan for more than two hours when you're used to dozing off to slumber just a few seconds after hitting the pillow.

For a night of sleeplessness, it was filled to the brim with questions. And never-ending songs. Indeed, a 30GB iPod is a sudden insomniac's best friend.

And suddenly, slowly, the night unfolded itself to me. It was lethargic. But it was empty. It was as if seeing swirling colors in bubbles -- you see them there and yet they don't seem to exist. I cannot explain it. All I know was that I was hearing and feeling something different from the music I have always listened to in my iPod. Words were coming to me, ideas were popping out of my head. I was confused. Was I in trance? Or was I just desperately sleepless? Why the sudden gush of words, of pictures, of questions?

I wanted to write it down. To type it. To draw it. There was something in my mind but unless it became tangible I cannot make sense of it. It was like being silently suffocated, however I didn't know by what. (Although, for some part, maybe it was due to my bad colds, which was why I found myself sniffing the Vicks inhaler for quite a lot of times that night.)

But the fear of unleashing the mother's wrath for one's unsleeping offspring stopped me. I hugged my pillow tight, hoping to make it go away, or at least reserve it for some other time -- maybe after more sleep. Yet, I couldn't fall asleep. Army Millare's lines were haunting. Still I tossed, and turned, resisting the urge to exhaust my mind into figuring out the complex at that time of dawn. I had to sleep.

Okay, so I did fall asleep. Albeit very, very late and discontinuously. I still don't know what happened to me last night. Why did it feel so empty, yet refreshing? Am I going crazy? It feels like I am. It's the weirdest shit, I know. I knowww.

And now, in a (seemingly failed) attempt to explain what happened, I'm at a loss for words. I don't know. It doesn't make sense. I tried triggering the state of daze again by plugging in Up Dharma Down's songs but nothing comes to me. What happened to me last night?

Maybe it's my mind telling me to loosen up. Relax. Get rest. Or maybe it's about time I stop listening to my iPod before I go to sleep.



________________________________________________________________